


The Arms Of the Ocean

by nelly06061



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Black Widow (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, blackhill - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2020-02-16 03:27:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 29,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18683206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nelly06061/pseuds/nelly06061
Summary: Natasha finds out she is pregnant.Only one person notices and therefore only one person can help - Maria Hill.





	1. And it's peaceful in the deep, 'cause either way you cannot breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome to my first Blackhill fic! I have 7 chapters planned out for this, so I hope you enjoy the first instalment.  
> Again - this is me trying to erase endgame from my mind.  
> Comments, kudos and feedback always appreciated :)  
> Tumblr: @natalia-alianovna-romanova  
> Also I'm looking for a beta, hmu if you would do the honour ;)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these characters etc.  
> Thanks to Florence once again for title and chapter titles (this fic they are all from the song Never Let Me Go)

Natasha felt  _ sick.  _ And if there was one thing Natasha never felt, it was (emotions, Tony would say) sick.

So sick, in fact, she bolted out of the bed and ran to the bathroom, before throwing up in the toilet. She breathed heavily and tried to make her body get over it. She had been taught to overcome pain, and countless injections and other experiments done on her to make her never ill.

So why now? Something was seriously wrong.

She couldn’t get over it, and she still felt ill. She racked her mind for any ideas, but came up short.

After managing to come round enough so she was sure she wasn’t going to immediately throw up, she pushed through the fogginess in her mind, and got up and got dressed quickly.

She didn’t get ill. 

The thought kept running through her mind, and she thought about what she had eaten, who and what she had come into contact with recently, and the panic began to spread through her. But, as ever, she put on a calm and controlled façade as she walked out of her room. Only Maria was up already sitting in the lounge with a cup of coffee in hand and looking over some files.

‘Morning!’ She smiled to Natasha. It wasn’t unusual for them both to be the first ones up - Maria with her military background, and Natasha’s frequent nightmares often meant she got little sleep.

‘Hey,’ Natasha smiled and went to sit opposite her. ‘How much do you think Tony would kill me if I borrowed one of his cars for the day?’ She grinned mischievously.

‘He’s too scared of you to do anything.’ Maria chuckled and raised an eyebrow. ‘Where are you going?’

‘Out of state.’ Natasha sighed vaguely. ‘I’ll be back by the end of the day though. Don’t worry.’

‘I’ll send out the search and rescue party after 8 then.’ Maria joked, but Natasha knew Maria cared enough that if she didn’t come back by then she probably would.

Whilst Clint and Steve were probably her best friends, the small amount of time she did spend with Maria she always enjoyed. They always got on well, and a small part of Natasha wished she would see her more often.

‘I’m fine. Nothing dangerous, I promise.’ Natasha assured her, before standing up again, when sudden wave of nausea overtook her and she fell back to the sofa.

‘Natasha?’ Maria asked gently, putting the papers down and watching her friend with concern.

‘I’m fine, I’m fine.’ Natasha said again, standing up and pushing past the nausea this time. She was a superhero, for crying out loud. 

‘Do you want me to come with you? I don’t have anything on today.’ Maria offered, trying to sound casual.

‘No, no, I just - I’ll see you later.’ Natasha gave her a tight smile before all but running out the room.

To say Maria was concerned was an understatement - she had never seen Natasha act like this, she was human, but she didn’t have off days. However, she knew Natasha valued her own privacy, so she would let her be for now. She clearly didn’t want help, but if it carried on, she would push more.

 

Natasha cursed herself under her breath as she left. What was happening to her? Now Maria would know something was up too, but she did trust her not to tell the others. She had never told them about the times she had found Natasha drinking coffee at 1am, willing herself not to go back to sleep.

Natasha went back to her room and found a wig and a change of clothes to disguise herself, before sneaking down to the garage and choosing the fastest looking car Tony owned, without being bright orange however. She broke into it efficiently and set off, setting the sat-nav to a hospital out of state.

 

‘Name?’ The hospital secretary asked, looking rather bored.

‘Mary. Mary Farrell.’ Natasha lied smoothly, using one of her old alias and knowing it would still be on record.

‘Wait over there please.’ The woman pointed to a room full of plastic seats, and people sitting round in an uncomfortable silence. 

Natasha nodded and did as she was told, thinking she may as well have not bothered with a disguise as the secretary had barely even looked up at her. She sat down and allowed herself to bounce her leg nervously as she waited, thinking it would help her blend in well if nothing else. There were children and elderly patients there, and people coughing and spluttering, who really looked ill. All of a sudden she felt stupid. Was she overreacting?

‘Mary Fennel?’ A woman called out, braking Natasha’s thoughts, and she immediately nodded and stood up, following her to a consultants room.

‘I’m Doctor Hikad. How can I help you today?’ She smiled at Natasha professionally. Her chestnut coloured hair was held back in a neat ponytail and her calm but professional attitude calmed Natasha somewhat.

‘I’m ill.’ She stated, looking at the doctor with wide eyes. ‘I don’t get ill.’ She tried to explain, but she knew there wasn’t much she could say without giving away her identity.

‘Okay. Can you describe your symptoms?’ She asked, in a tone as if she was speaking to a child, and Natasha realised maybe she was panicking too much.

‘I woke up this morning and was sick. And I just feel ill. I know it doesn’t sound bad but I  _ don’t get ill.’  _ She tried to emphasise.

The doctor nodded and made some notes on her computer. ‘Well, I can take some blood and urine samples and see if it throws anything up.’ She suggested.

Thoughts immediately ran through Natasha’s mind of them finding out who she was, but then she realised they wouldn’t be running DNA analysis tests. ‘Yes, please.’ She nodded, and the doctor smiled at her slightly, getting out what she needed.

She took the blood sample and Natasha went to the toilet and returned with a urine sample quickly, and she was told to return in a few hours for the results. Natasha thanked her and left to the small chapel in the hospital, trying to calm down and collect her thoughts.

She was able to pass the hours easily, one of the skills she was grateful for from her training as a child.

It did mean that however, too soon, it was time to collect the results, and she felt a kind of nervousness she hadn’t since she was very young.

Each step took her closer to what she assumed was her fate, but the look on the doctors face when she walked in immediately relieved her. She was smiling at her genuinely, but not personally. That wasn’t the kind of look you gave someone who was about to die, right?

Natasha took a seat and looked up at the doctor expectantly.

‘So, only one thing came out of the tests. You’re pregnant.’ She said carefully.

_ You’re pregnant. _

_ That’s me. _

_ I’m pregnant. _

Natasha just stared at her. There was no way this could be.

Actually, yes, there was.

Shit. 

She was pregnant.

‘Mary? Can I get you some water?’ Doctor Hikad offered, concerned. ‘We can discuss options if you would like. Or I can leave you for now, and you can come back another day.’

‘Thank you.’ Natasha mumbled, then stood up, scrambling to grab her bag. ‘I have to go. Thank you for your help.’

‘Take these, at least.’ the doctor sighed, holding out a few pamphlets.

Adoption.

Abortions.

Family support.

Natasha reached her hand out and took them, but she felt like it wasn’t her hand. She didn’t feel real. Nothing about this felt real.

‘Take care, Mary.’ Doctor Parker said with a small but encouraging smile, and Natasha nodded, before leaving. She stuffed the leaflets in her pocket and kept her head down as she left the hospital, and got in the car.

She felt as if she were in a trance; the world moving past her as opposed to her moving through the world. Time was passing but her head felt dizzy. She started the car and drove, concentrating on the road as much as she could.

But there was only one thought really going through her head.

_ ‘You’re pregnant.’ _

 


	2. No Need To Pray, No Need To Speak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha made a mistake, and it will not go unnoticed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! thank you for all the comments on chapter 1, I hope you like where this one goes! I am hoping chapter 3 will be quite a long one, or I might even split my plan into more chapters depending on the time I have.
> 
> also, I need to point out something - in this fic, Natasha was never sterilised. 
> 
> as ever, I hope you enjoy this and thanks for the love <3

Maria looked up as Natasha walked in, just before 8pm (coincidence? - she thinks not). She looked fine - nothing like the worry she had seen in her eyes this morning. Which almost made Maria worry more. What was going on?

‘Natasha! My car!’ Tony jumped up as soon as she walked in.

‘It’s okay. It could probably do with being driven, once in a while anyway.’ She replied dryly, rolling her eyes and walking past him to the kitchen. ‘Have you all eaten?’ she called out.

‘Yeah, sorry, we didn’t know where you were.’ Clint called back. ‘Where were you?’ he added, making sure she couldn’t avoid the obvious question.

No reply came, but everyone waited for her. Eventually she came back in with some slices of pizza on a plate that she had found in the fridge, and she slumped onto the sofa next to Maria. ‘What?’ she chuckled through a mouthful of food as everyone looked at her expectantly. ‘Can’t I have one day off?’

‘You can have a day off, but you can’t expect us not to wonder what you are up to.’ Tony returned. ‘A secret lover….?’

‘No.’ She rolled her eyes at him again, something she often found herself doing too frequently around him.

‘I can’t hear the film.’ Maria complained, and caught Natasha’s eye as she did. She was sure she saw Natasha give her the tiniest smile of thanks, before she carried on eating her pizza. The rest of the evening went by without any further incident, and soon most of them had already forgotten about Natasha’s random rogue day.

It was when Maria was woken by a call from Fury at 5am though, that her concern returned. It was unlikely to be about Natasha, but it was obviously important.

‘Commander Hill.’ She answered professionally, sitting up in bed and pushing the tiredness away as she had learnt to do through her years of military service.

‘Good morning Hill. Have there been any Mary Farrel missions lately?’ He asked, getting straight to the point.

‘No. Not to my knowledge. Natasha disappeared all day yesterday though.’ Maria sighed. Had she been on a mission? Or used Mary Farrel for something else? It was an alias that had been used for only a few missions before by Natasha, as a relatively average US citizen.

‘Well then why have I got an alert saying a Miss Farrel visited a hospital in Connecticut yesterday?’ He snapped.

‘I don’t know, sir. Was anything recorded?’ She responded.

‘She had an appointment with Dr Hikad at 10:30am. And it says here,’ Fury shook his head to himself and took a deep breath, ‘she’s pregnant.’

If Maria wasn’t already fully awake, she was now. It all added up: Natasha’s odd behaviour yesterday, and the times and places of Mary Farrel.

‘Do we have security footage? Was it Agent Romanoff?’ She asked, going to her laptop anyway, and starting to log in to find it, holding her phone between her ear and shoulder.

‘No, I called you first. I assume you are finding it now?’ Fury asked, sighing.

‘Yes, I’m almost there.’ Maria mumbled, and then stared in shock at her laptop. She was in disguise, but it was clearly Natasha there, making that appointment. ‘Fuck. It’s her, sir.’

‘Then as soon as she wakes up you are to ask her about this. Not personally, but as a matter of national security. Do you understand?’ Fury didn’t enjoy having to come between their friendship, as the few times he had seen them together he had distinctly remembered them as being very close, and very sweet.

‘Understood, Sir. I’ll report back to you as soon as I find out anything.’ She said, ever the dutiful employee.

‘Thank you. Now get back to sleep, Hill.’ He sighed, before hanging up.

Maria swore before throwing the phone onto her bed and holding her head in her hands. She took a few deep breaths and looked back up at her laptop, only to see an empty hotel reception area. Confused, she rewatched the footage, but this time there was no ‘Mary’ there. It didn't take a genius to work out what had happened.

Natasha had edited it. But it was too late.

Maria get dressed out of her pyjamas into her work clothes, trying to do as Fury had said and separate this issue from her friendship with Natasha, to a purely work related incident to be dealt with.

She went out and made herself a coffee, and sat at the breakfast bar, waiting for Natasha to come in.

 

Natasha woke up early again, and threw up again. She cried this time though; it was almost worse now she knew why. But she stopped herself quickly and got dressed and was about to leave her room when she realised.

She had made a massive mistake.

She never makes mistakes.

Using Mary Farrel seemed like safe option at the time, but she didn’t actually think about the implications of it. Her profile was connected to S.H.I.E.L.D., and anyone who was looking for her would be able to recognise her. 

It didn’t take long for her to alter the medical records and security footage, and she breathed a sigh of relief as she walked out her room.

When she walked into the kitchen and saw only Maria there, she smiled at her.

‘Good morn-’ she started cheerfully, but she was soon interrupted as Maria stood up and assumed a stance, clad in her SHIELD uniform.

‘Agent Romanoff, you are requested to follow me for official questioning, or else I have grounds to detain and hold you, for tampering with evidence and hiding information which could be of threat to national security.’

It was easier for Maria to do it this way. She had to be strict, and harsh, or else she would easily crumble and hug Natasha and tell her that whatever she wanted to do, it was going to be  _ okay. _

‘Yes, Commander.’ Natasha obeyed, and followed behind Maria who straight away turned and started to march out the room.

Maria led her through the compound to a room which was what Natasha could only describe as a glorified interrogation cell. Maria sat down on one side of the desk and gestured for Natasha to sit on the other, so of course she did.

‘State your name.’ Maria started, trying to avoid looking into Natasha’s eyes. She really thought she could do it. But her heart was aching for Natasha.

‘Natasha Romanoff.’ Natasha answered obediently.

‘Try again. State your name.’ Maria said, being unnecessarily harsh now, trying to push back her feelings.

‘Natalia Alianovna Romanova.’ Natasha said. This was by no means the worst interrogation she was going through (not by a long shot) but there was something about the emotional weight of this one that was putting them both on edge. They were both pretending not to know what is was about, whilst clearly knowing both of them knew  _ exactly  _ what this was about.

‘Please state your whereabouts on Thursday the 9th of -’ Maria started, but this time Natasha interrupted her.

‘Yes, I’m pregnant. I’ll return the security footage and never use Mary Farrel for a personal matter again, and I’ll ring Fury, because I’m assuming he knows too.’ Natasha interrupted her apathetically.

‘Natasha - ‘ Maria sighed, unable to keep up the act anymore. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Are you?’ Natasha chuckled, as Maria looked like she was about to burst into tears. She stood up and held her arms open and Maria ran into them, and Natasha let her think that she was the one comforting Natasha.

‘If you need anything, seriously, anything at all, I’m here. We don’t have to tell the others, you have lots of options -’ She started to ramble, panicking on Natasha’s behalf.

‘Hey? I’m okay. I’ve got decisions to make, but I know that now I have your help I’ll make the right ones.’ She told Maria, and she really meant it. She trusted Maria to understand her, and she felt as if Maria had that kind of trust in her too, and that was enough. A friend, and unconditional trust. It was what Natasha had craved all her life and now it was stood right in front of her, hugging her. ‘I have nothing to fear.’ She assured her, and what she really meant was  _ you  _ have nothing to fear.

‘I’m so sorry I did that, -’ 

‘No. I won’t allow that. You always have to put your duty first and you did well. I respect you for your dedication, Maria. It might not seem like it but you did the right thing.’ She smiled softly to Maria and hugged her closer. ‘I mean it.’

‘Thank you.’ Maria smiled too, but stepped out of the hug, not wanting to become too comfortable. ‘Can I do anything for now?’

‘I’ll ring Fury, but my plan is just to carry on as normal for now and think about my decision.’ Natasha said, and Maria nodded. 

‘Okay. If you want anything, let me know, okay?’

‘Promise.’ Natasha smiled meaningfully at her. ‘Thank you, Maria.’

‘Of course, Natasha.’ Maria gave her one last smile before walking out. 

 

Both women took a moment to collect themselves as soon as the door shut between them. Had they both imagined something or had something more meaningful just happened then? Both in their stubborn ways however, shook their heads and moved on. 

Or told themselves that’s what they were doing, anyway. 

 


	3. Fractured Moonlight On The Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my amazing beta for all the help with this! My brain doesn't make sense to other people sometimes but now you can all understand it ;)  
> Also, the day I wrote this I went to Haworth, where the Bronte sisters grew up and lived. I was feeling a bit weird and like I needed to be intellectual, so that's why this chapter goes a bit weird. I promise it's a one off, sorry if you don't like it! I'll detail quotes and poems etc at the bottom.  
> Anyway, even though it's weird, I hope you like it! Your feedback is what keeps me going so leave a comment! I'd like to know your theories, or thoughts on the literature in here!

‘Fury.’ He answered the phone before the first ring had even finished.

‘It’s Agent Romanoff.’ Natasha sighed through the phone.

‘Is Commander Hill there?’ He asked.

‘No, sir. But she did attempt to question me. I told her everything before she could start. With all due respect sir, you shouldn’t have made her do that.’ 

‘I know, Natasha.’ Fury sighed too, and by the use of her first name, they both knew that however much anyone tried  \-- this would always be a personal matter. ‘But I had to. And you know that, too. I guess congratulations is in order.’

‘Maybe. I don’t know what to do.’ She admitted quietly. 

‘I can give you as much time off as you want. You’ve done more than enough for this team ,  Natasha - you really are the heart and soul of it ;  binding everyone together. Since the start, you’ve always been level headed and fair.’ 

‘Thank you, Nick. I’d like to carry on as normal for now. I’ll update you as soon as I make a decision.’

‘Of course. Just promise me one thing.’ He said, worrying for Natasha more than anything else at this point.

‘Yeah?’ Natasha wasn’t exactly in a position to refuse to do what he told her.

‘Don’t do this alone. Maria already knows, so if you don’t want to tell anyone else then promise me you will at least talk to her. I know you are strong. But this isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s looking after yourself, and well, another person now.’ 

It wasn’t what Natasha had expected, but then again her and Fury (and even Maria if she thought about it) did have something in common - they could (and often did) present themselves as perfect, strong, and unblemished humans. It wasn’t a cold exterior, per say, but there was an air of superficiality about it. So of course Fury would understand what she was likely to do, which was cut herself off and take this all on herself. And no one deserved to be so alone, and so afraid.

At least he wasn’t insisting she had a heart-to-heart with him.

‘I promise.’ She said, thinking of Maria.

He could almost hear it in her voice. But he didn’t feel it was his place to intervene so much. ‘Good. Good luck, Agent Romanoff.’

‘Thank you, Director.’ Natasha said, before he hung up.

She sat down on the edge of the bed. It felt _weird._ She knew she was pregnant, but there was nothing to see or feel. There was a collection of cells inside her that would soon become a living and breathing human. Was she supposed to feel some kind of motherly love and instinct at this point? If she couldn’t love her child now, could she ever? Would she ever allow herself the safety and comfort and _vulnerability_ that came with being in love? Could she put a life in danger, just for being related to her? It was hard in her mind sometimes. There were blockades and barriers set up by herself in there, and they were so powerful that she could barely break them down herself -- she arranged them that way.

She had been able to learn to trust in her team, then in friends. But sometimes a nagging voice in the back of her mind worried her, that maybe trusting someone with your life and trusting someone with your secrets was different, and she still couldn’t trust in anyone.

A life - it is finite. If you die, you are dead. She didn’t have a death wish, but she’d come close enough to death before that it wasn’t something she feared.

Voldemort was scared of death so much he had split his soul, and really, he was only scared of the unknown.

But Natasha wasn’t scared of the unknown either. She was prepared for any situation life gave her.

Or so she had thought.

 

A week passed normally. Natasha wasn’t sent on any missions, which was unusual, yes, but not unheard of. She sometimes felt Maria carefully watching her, but they crossed paths little. Again, unusual, but not unheard of.

She missed coffee in a morning.

But she still didn’t feel anything when she looked down at her stomach.

It was only when one evening, whilst she was researching quantum mechanics (only to make conversation) that there was a knock at her door and Maria walked in, looking slightly nervous (bless her, she was trying to hide it) that anything really felt different at all.

‘I wondered if you wanted any help. Or advice. Or just someone to talk to?’ Maria offered, standing in the doorway. Her hair was down, and there was a comforting familiarity behind her eyes.

Natasha nodded and jumped up, pulling her in, then shut the door behind her. She had desperately wanted to speak to Maria, now she thought about it. Why did her mind hide these things from her?

‘Yes, please. I’ve been thinking a lot.’ She said, trying desperately not to sound desperate (was she now sounding too desperately trying?) and took a seat on her bed, cross legged, and patted the space next to her. ‘So,’ she started before Maria could say anything, ‘I was trained for everything. You’ve read my file, you know. There was an emphasis on not having friends, ties, connections, and especially, children. They sterilised everyone, except me. I was special. They never told me why, but I guess they didn’t want to rule out the chance of making another me. So I promised myself I would never let it happen. I wouldn’t let them take my child and do to them what they did to me. I would kill myself before I had a child. Now there are different dangers. I couldn’t keep my job, or if I did there would be a good chance each day that the child would end up without a mother. There are lots of people out there who want to hurt me, and any child I had would be a walking target. It would change my life and I’ve never imagined a future for myself that involves children.’

Maria gave Natasha the time to say as much as she needed. It broke her heart even more; for all she had imagined Natasha going through in the past week it had never been this. She clearly was in an emotional turmoil on the inside, and Maria couldn’t imagine how hard it must be for her every day to walk around like she had moved on, like  _ they  _ still didn’t control her life. She must have been doing it all this time, and keeping it to herself. She wanted more than anything in that moment to say sorry to her for what she had been through, and what she was still going through, and what would surely haunt her every action until the day she died.

Sometimes, on missions, it felt to Maria like Natasha had a death wish. Like maybe, deep down, she didn’t mind if she lived or died. In dying, would she find the relief she had longed for all her life? Would she finally feel at peace? Or was it the feeling nothing, the eternity of just not existing, that comforted her?

What Maria did know however, was that whilst Natasha had only said the negative things about having a child, she hadn’t actually expressed a wish not to have this one.

‘Can you imagine it now? No one could do a better job of keeping someone safe than you, Nat. To feel love, to feel loved, that could free you.’ Maria said sadly, and Natasha knew what she meant. ‘Anxiety is in the dizziness of freedom.’ She quoted S øren Kierkegaard, in what she hoped would show Natasha why she felt down, and unsure to do this.

‘Now that she had nothing to lose, she was free.’ Natasha quoted in return.

‘You don’t believe that.’ Maria looked at her, and Natasha could almost feel her looking past all the walls she had built up, knocking them down as if they were made of paper.

_ Paper, that lets the light shine through. _

_ This is what could alter things. _

It was from a poem Natasha had never understood until that moment. The poet talked of buildings of paper, people of paper. 

_ Never wish to build again with brick _

_ Or block, but let the daylight break _

_ Through capitals and monoliths, _

_ Through the shapes that pride can make, _

_ Find a way to trace a grand design _

_ With living tissue, raise a structure _

_ Never meant to last, _

_ Of paper smoothed and stroked _

_ And thinned to be transparent _ _ , _

 

_ Turned in to your skin. _

Nothing was permanent. And Natasha had never felt more temporary. 

‘No. I don’t believe that.’ Was it her pride that made her hide behind these walls? Should she be more transparent, and  _ fall away on a sigh, a shift in the direction of the wind _ ? ‘There could be a million quotes on different ways to find freedom, but I don’t believe any of them. It’s not as simple as falling in love, as defying the rules. It’s unchaining the bars deep within yourself. If I were made of paper, I would not last. But at least I would be free.’

‘Natasha….’ Maria shuffled up to her on the bed and hugged her, and Natasha hugged her back. How did Maria always know what she needed before she knew herself?

Did Maria feel free? She didn’t know much about Maria - her mother died giving birth to her, her father had blamed her for that growing up, she had joined the army, her entire squad died whilst she survived, and now she was here.

Maybe she had once felt freedom when she joined the army. And then that was ripped away from her.

But she spoke of freedom as if she knew it. Did she remember it well, or had she found a freedom now?

‘I have no reason to keep it. There are many reasons why I shouldn’t. So why don’t I feel compelled to get…. Rid of it?’ Natasha spoke quietly, and her voice definitely  _ did not crack. _

‘Because you have the freedom of choice now, Natasha. Maybe you don’t feel free having free will, because you think there’s something controlling you deep inside still. And it’s not for me to say there isn’t. But times have changed, and you are here now, and not there. Don’t deny what you feel, but deny that feeling to control you.’ Maria said, staring down at her hands, which Natasha had picked up whilst she was talking, and was holding them gently, turning them over, and staring at them too.

It scared Natasha how easily Maria was reading her.

But was the fear there just to hide the comfort it gave her?

The  _ hope  _ it gave her?

Was it Maria?

Could she be  _ her? _

_ Love can only be found through the act of loving. _

‘This whole time, I have been trying to convince myself to not have it. But it was a feeling I shouldn’t have let control me, you’re right. But what am I meant to feel then?’ Natasha hugged Maria closer, if it was possible.

This was a moment she had never shared with anyone before. She had friends, and Clint would understand and talk to her about this. But he wouldn’t be able to see into her soul as Maria did. She wouldn’t just be able to hug him this close and feel this feeling. What was this feeling?

‘Natasha, if you look so hard for a feeling you won’t feel it. Let yourself relax. Stop saying ‘it’. You love your baby. Let the rest fall into place.’ Maria felt Natasha tremble slightly as she held onto her, as if she was anchoring her to the world.

‘I love…. My baby?’ Natasha repeated, almost questioningly.

‘Yes, Nat. This is why you feel like this. You’re already protecting them.’

As always, Maria was right.

‘Will you sleep over?’ Natasha asked uncertainly.

‘Of course.’ Maria sighed and pulled both of them down so they were lying on the bed. The lights were on but they had both slept through worse than that.

Natasha wanted to reach over and kiss Maria’s forehead, if only to comfort her.

Maria wanted never to let Natasha go, and hug her whilst she watched her fall asleep.

They both let go of each other and rolled over onto their sides.

‘Night, Maria.’

‘Night, Natasha.’

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tissue - Imtiaz Dharker  
> Paper that lets the light  
> shine through, this  
> is what could alter things.  
> Paper thinned by age or touching,  
> the kind you find in well-used books,  
> the back of the Koran, where a hand  
> has written in the names and histories,  
> who was born to whom,  
> the height and weight, who  
> died where and how, on which sepia date,  
> pages smoothed and stroked and turned  
> transparent with attention.  
> If buildings were paper, I might  
> feel their drift, see how easily  
> they fall away on a sigh, a shift  
> in the direction of the wind.  
> Maps too. The sun shines through  
> their borderlines, the marks  
> that rivers make, roads,  
> railtracks, mountainfolds,  
> Fine slips from grocery shops  
> that say how much was sold  
> and what was paid by credit card  
> might fly our lives like paper kites.  
> An architect could use all this,  
> place layer over layer, luminous  
> script over numbers over line,  
> and never wish to build again with brick  
> or block, but let the daylight break  
> through capitals and monoliths,  
> through the shapes that pride can make,  
> find a way to trace a grand design  
> with living tissue, raise a structure  
> never meant to last,  
> of paper smoothed and stroked  
> and thinned to be transparent,  
> turned into your skin.
> 
> Quotes from Paulo Ceolho: 'Now that she had nothing to lose, she was free', 'Love can only be found through the act of loving.'


	4. The Arms of the Ocean Are Carring Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Not much to say about this one, so without further ado, enjoy!  
> Thanks to my beta and supporting friends again <3

Another week had passed.

Another week of slight abnormalities, but regular routines.

Natasha had been thinking. Maria had proven herself to be right about most of what Natasha was thinking, so maybe she was right that she loved this baby? She wanted this baby? Was she hoping that Maria was right, but she wasn’t actually? Did that in itself prove she  _ was  _ right?

Although it was hard for her in her mind normally, she was not often confused by herself.

Dealing with the weight of what she had done - it was hard. It was unbearably hard at times, and she would try and shut herself down and stare, comatosed, waiting for it to be over. The pain. The guilt. The memories. And although it seemed like it only bothered her in those moments, or the times she woke up, sweat making her body stick to the bed sheets as she sat up like shot and took deep, desperate, gulping breaths after a nightmare, it hung on her all the time. Some days it would cling to her back, and make each step she took into a chore, tormenting her for being there, and being alive. Some days it hung above her like a cloud, and when she spoke to anyone it rained on them, reminding her that she couldn’t trust them, shouldn’t trust herself.

This though, it was different. There was no one feeling that followed her, there was a mixture of colours, darting in the air around her, ever eluding her. She was sure there were feelings of hope, joy, excitement, (dare she say it) love, but they mixed and swirled dangerously close to the fear, and guilt that plagued her.

But time was running out to make a decision.

Doing nothing was always the easiest decision to make, but then this time doing nothing would mean having a baby. A child. A teen, and a young adult. A life to care for, someone to love. Someone to fear for. Someone to protect. A responsibility to look after yourself, so you could look after them.

Doing something was always the harder decision to make, and this time it would make it all over quickly and she could move on with her life as before and nothing would happen. Only her and Maria would ever have to know. She didn’t feel a panic when she thought about that, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

She knew she was strong enough.

So she was stopping herself.

And that made the decision for her.

It was hard to trust herself, but trusting Maria was almost too easy.

And once the decision was made, the noise of feelings stopped.

A calm, comforted feeling replaced it, like a blanket wrapping around her. It even protected her from the never ending torment and guilt (slightly).

 

Maria noticed as she sat opposite from Natasha whilst they ate their breakfast that morning. Clint was there too so she couldn’t say anything, but she smiled at her supportively.

‘I saw that! What’s going on with you two?’ Clint looked almost comically like a child, as he spoke around his mouthful of poptart.

‘I just smiled at her.’ Maria said immediately, defensively.

‘It was a knowing smile though. You guys are in on something.’ He raised an eyebrow at her in return and Maria just shrugged, trying not to show how flustered she was and  _ oh my gosh what if she had ruined this for Natasha already and she changes her mind and why did you smile you idiot -  _

‘Seriously, Clint?’ Natasha sighed and elbowed him as she walked past, taking her mug to the side.

He just shrugged and carried on eating, watching them both carefully. Natasha left and Maria quickly got up and followed her.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she said as she jogged to get too Natasha’s side. But when Natasha looked at her, her eyes were only hopeful.

‘I’m gonna keep them.’ She whispered, as if she were a child telling her best friend a secret in the playground. Secrets always held power. Maria all but squealed as she jumped on Natasha to hug her, and Natasha chuckled softly as she hugged her back.  ‘But I don’t want to tell anyone else. Will you help me?’

‘Of course, anything you need.’ Maria nodded eagerly and stepped back, looking at Natasha. Natasha saw hope in her eyes too, and it finally hit her what this meant.

A family - joy, laughter, arguments, tantrums, tears, love.

A family of her and her child, Natasha reminded herself quickly. She couldn’t expect too much of Maria.

‘Then first up, I need a house.’ Natasha grinned at her, excited for the adventure before it had even begun.

Normality - house hunting, decorating, schools, making meals, shopping, trips out.

_ But what if she didn’t deserve this? _

‘Any you want. SHIELD can make it happen even if you can’t.’ Maria promised her.

‘Then what are we waiting for? Let’s stop standing in this corridor and do something!’ Natasha exclaimed.

It was a side of Natasha that Maria had never seen. She had even begun to doubt it existed. There always seemed to be something holding her back from showing excitement and joy, and childlike enthusiasm. But now as she followed Natasha to her room, there it was. And it infected Maria too. This wasn’t  _ her  _ child, she reminded herself. She couldn’t expect that much from Natasha.

When Natasha opened her laptop, it didn’t surprise Maria to see there was already windows open with houses on.

‘I was thinking somewhere maybe an hour from here, like in the Adirondack Park. There’s some like lakeside houses that are cute.’ Natasha showed her. The unspoken  _ safe, secluded _ didn’t need to be said, as they both knew that was really the top priority.

‘I like that one.’ Maria pointed at a large yet tasteful house, surrounded by woods.

‘Me too.’ Natasha nodded, and they both grinned at each other. Unrestrained, joyful, cheesy grins. 

 

The next week went too quick. They booked viewings and come up with a myriad of excuses to leave together, always giggling as they did. The hours spent in cars were passed easily, and the felt peaceful and comfortable in each other’s company. Whilst Natasha was very good at assessing the practical elements of the house, Maria often pointed out to her ‘you could put a bookshelf here’, or ‘imagine them learning to walk down this hall!’. 

When they got back to the compound, they spent all their time together too, which they told themselves was for looking online and discussing houses, but soon movie nights became frequent and Maria was sleeping in Natasha’s room almost every night.

‘Come on, Masha.’ Natasha said as they both woke up one morning, and Maria groaned as she rolled over and buried her face back into the bed.

‘Masha?’ She asked, her voice muffled as she spoke into the bed.

‘Do you not like it?’ Natasha checked as she got up, and pulled the covers off Maria.

‘Hey!’ Maria huffed but got up anyway. ‘It’s nice. I like it.’ She confirmed, and she definitely wasn’t blushing.

‘Come on then, let’s get some breakfast.’ Natasha offered her a hand and curtseyed, ‘My Lady.’ She put on a fake British accent.

Maria giggled and took her hand, letting Natasha lead them out.

It was when they reached the lounge and everyone was staring at them pointedly that Maria quickly let go of her hand.

‘We have got some questions for you.’ Clint announced and smirked.

‘Dear god.’ Natasha crossed her arms, already annoyed. 

‘Like how long have you been sleeping together?’ Tony started, ever confident. Pepper looked at them both apologetically and reached out to smack his arm.

Maria turned bright red and looked away, whilst Natasha just scoffed, and Maria was sure she heard a sarcastic  _ yeah, right _ from Clint. Which was weird, actually. Why would Clint not believe that when he seemed to be one of the people spreading these rumours about them?

‘She’s been sleeping in my room, but that’s what girls do when they are good friends.’ Natasha explained, not looking  at all flustered and god, Maria was jealous.

‘Leave them alone.’ Pepper tried, grimacing. ‘I tried to stop them but they don’t understand females it appears.’ She added to Maria and Natasha.

‘No, we understand the looks they give each other when they think no one is watching. They’re clearly in love.’ Tony returned.

‘No! No we’re not!’ Maria panicked and somehow blushed even more and when Natasha looked over at her, she couldn’t deny how adorable she looked then, and she did just want to murder everyone in that room to protect her from ever having that little pout on her face again.

‘We’re not, okay? And if anyone says anything again I  _ will  _ taser you.’ Natasha threatened, and they all believed that she would follow through with her threat, but whether they believed her and Maria? That was another story. Natasha grabbed Maria’s arm and glared at them all one last time before dragging Maria into the kitchen with her.

Maria stumbled as she followed behind her, staring at the ground and feeling her cheeks on fire.

As soon as they were alone in the kitchen, Natasha turned around to Maria.

‘I’m so sorry about them. You tell me if they ever annoy you and I will make sure they never do it again.’ Natasha said fiercely, yet caringly.

Maria just nodded and bit her lip. There was so much she wanted to say, but why was she bothered  _ so much _ about what they assumed? That preoccupied her and she just stared, dumb, to the floor.

Natasha sighed sadly and let go of her arm, going to make her a coffee. ‘I’ve really enjoyed your friendship Maria, I always have. But if you want me to back off a bit, that’s okay too. This isn’t your problem.’ She gestured vaguely around her stomach.

‘No! No, no. I promise. It’s been really nice to… have a friend. And ‘this’ isn’t a problem, Nat. If you want  _ me  _ to back off then that’s okay. I’m just really excited for you.’ Maria tried to pass it off as that, however Natasha knew it was something else. She decided to leave it however; if Maria wanted to keep something a secret then she wasn't’ going to deny her that. Because Natasha knew with only a few carefully calculated words and a convincing look, she could find out if she wanted to. (She wished she didn’t have that power).

‘I’m excited too. And I can’t imagine life for this little one without their Aunt Maria.’ Natasha smiled encouragingly at her. ‘Plus, I don’t exactly know how to parent.’ She pointed out, and Maria knew what she was talking about.

‘Neither.’ She said softly, and Natasha almost wanted to shoot herself in the foot for forgetting about Maria’s upbringing too. ‘But you can work it out, I know you can. Anything you put your mind to you can achieve, and you have so much love for this baby already.’

‘And so do you.’ Natasha looked at her knowingly, but Maria looked like she was about to start panicking again, so she quickly changed the topic. ‘In two weeks I’ll be 12 weeks. I might start to show then. How much will everyone worry if I disappear for 5 months?’ Natasha tried to ask seriously, but they both burst out into giggles as Maria raised an eyebrow at her.

But Maria had learnt something. Natasha knew how far along she was. She wasn’t going to ask Natasha about who the father was unless she brought it up. But it seemed now that Natasha did know who it was.

‘What about your scans? You’ll have to visit a doctor at some point.’ Maria realised.

‘I know. Fury is arranging that. It’s okay.’ Natasha reassured her. Of course Natasha had already thought of that. Maria really was beginning to feel a bit useless. ‘Masha?’ Natasha stepped towards her and lifted her chin up gently with one finger, finally forcing her to look up.

‘Maybe you should tell Clint or someone… I don’t know how good I am at this.’ Maria mumbled. It wasn’t what Natasha was expecting. Maria, who always seemed confident and so sure of herself.

But commanding operations was different to navigating the minefield that was one’s own mind, Natasha of all people could understand that.

‘Shush. As much as I might need to practice telling off, I was hoping that would be on Tony, not you.’ Natasha tried to lighten the mood. She stepped away from Maria, hoping she wasn’t putting her off and finished making the coffee for her. ‘You better enjoy that because I can’t anymore.’ She remarked as she put it on the table in front of Maria.

‘Thanks. I’ll enjoy it enough for three people.’ Maria gave Natasha a small smile and picked up the mug, cradling it. Natasha smiled back at her and started making them both a healthy breakfast.

‘Let me do something.’ Maria rushed round to help her.

‘I’m ten weeks pregnant, not inert.’ Natasha said and tried to block her out the way.

‘Inert.’ Maria countered jokingly, trying to push past Natasha to the fridge.

They both ended up in some kind of not-at-all-wrestling match, each waiting for the other to crack. Eventually, on a whim, Natasha poked Maria in the side and tickled her, and Maria jerked away, giggling.

‘Well I never. Renowned stone cold bitch Commander Hill is ticklish.’ Natasha teased.

‘Renowned Black Widow can’t win a fight without tickling.’ Maria teased in return.

‘Hey! I’m pregnant. Give me a chance.’ Natasha fake pouted at Maria.

‘You’re ten weeks pregnant, not inert.’ Maria said smugly.

‘Dammit.’ Natasha sighed. ‘Fine. You win the competition to make breakfast. Enjoy.’ She stepped back and Maria picked up the fruit she had been chopping.

‘I will.’ Maria said, turning round to flash her a smug smile before turning back to making the breakfast. 

Natasha leaned against the counter and watched her work silently. It was nothing special - in fact it was the comfortable domesticity of the moment that encaptured her. Or was it Maria? Was it the fantasy of seeing Maria like this every day?

Natasha’s mind had wandered in a way which she could usually stop. She blamed the slip up on the pregnancy. 

When Maria finished and turned to hand her the bowl, Natasha smiled pleasantly and politely (if only a little sarcastically) said thank you before sitting opposite her at the breakfast bar to eat. It was weird, Natasha thought. In between sentences, in between moments, you could think so much. You could have revelations, you could change your life standing in a kitchen one morning. And no one else would know. Was it better that way? Natasha always valued privacy; after a life of having none and being totally controlled, her privacy gave her control of herself and what she gave of herself to others. But what if she had found someone she wanted to share more with? To tell of the random thoughts that came to her mind? To allow to look through her drawers and pick out anything they wanted to wear that day? To give them the key to unlock the bars around your heart, and take and give as much as they wanted?

Was that freedom? To give someone else freedom over yourself, could you ignite freedom in your own soul?

‘I can almost hear you thinking.’ Maria commented quietly as they ate. 

‘Just about the future.’ Natasha lied smoothly and just as quietly as she smiled at her.

Had she found a way to be free?

 


	5. And Now I Am Under, Oh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry it's been a bit longer this time - I'm currently in the middle of exam season and doing this was not a good idea but I was too excited to continue!  
> Thanks to my amazing friend (celery stans) who wrote about half of this chapter oops. Love you :)  
> Thank you to everyone who left kudos and commented <3 endless love  
> Give me prompts on tumblr @natalia-alianovna-bw if you would like! Looking for some inspiration for some one shots  
> Left some hints in here, would love to see your thoughts on what will happen next!  
> As always, hope you enjoy and thank you for reading this far!!

With a bit of help from Maria and Fury, Natasha managed to secure her favourite house. Maria had gone with her to Home Depot, and helped pick out paint for the rooms, and they spent hours eating tubs of ice cream and ordering furniture. In the kitchen they had decided on a teal and white theme, which opened into a cosy lounge, with rustic amber paint for the walls in there. It was to be cosy and comforting, yet spacious and open plan.

They were just about to leave to go and collect the keys for the first time, and hopefully get on with painting the rooms (although Natasha was hoping she could persuade Maria to order a Chinese and just chill out for one night after the busy week), when Clint came rushing up to them, a serious look on his face. 

‘Emergency team call out.’ He explained. ‘Nat, suit up and be ready to leave in the quinjet in 5 minutes. Maria, you’re commanding the operation from here, if you go the control room May will brief you.’ He said quickly, and Natasha nodded straight away, already starting to head off but Maria grabbed her arm and stopped her.

‘You can’t go.’ She hissed, concern in her eyes.

‘I have to.’ Natasha insisted, tugging easily out of her grip.

Clint was looking between them, confused. Maria had to know how serious a situation like this was; it wasn’t everyday they were all suddenly getting ready for a fight. He didn’t say anything though, worrying it would cross Natasha’s rule of don’t annoy Maria, because he didn’t fancy getting tasered after all.

Natasha glanced at Maria one more time, and Maria was sure she saw an apology in her eyes, but then she ran off  and after a brief, polite smile, Clint followed behind her, still as confused as the moment he walked in.

Maria sighed and knew there was nothing she could do, but she didn’t like this at all.

It turned out to be a routine mission. A terrorist organisation had taken an orphanage hostage, but the Avengers were easily able to neutralise the threats and secure the children and staff safely, under Maria’s efficient command.

It was as they were heading back to the Quinjet when it happened.

even an untrained eye would have noticed what was coming if they had any longer than they did. however, the world was never perfect; they boarded without a second thought, and so no one suspected what was about to come.

Natasha our her foot down, the same way she always did. nothing new, nothing different. except from when the ground erupted beneath her, and time seemed to slow down as she was thrown through the air.

Maria’s heart almost stopped. In fact, she was sure for a second, it did. Her commands stopped, and she found herself barely able to breathe, never mind form a coherent thought, as she stared at the screen. Only fear, and an eternal dread, which sank like a dead weight to the pit of her stomach, filled her then.

She noticed people moving around, and heard voices through her comms. But nothing went it. Nothing else  _ mattered,  _ except that Natasha was okay.

The time for blaming herself would come later.

She could feel someone shaking her shoulder, and barely registered their question, until she blinked and she realised it was Steve trying to get her attention. She looked at him with an unspoken question, shock still rendering her unable to speak. She silently reprimanded herself; she had to command, she had to look after everyone.

But good god it was hard

‘She’s alive.’ Steve confirmed, and when Maria finally refocused on the scene in front of her, she saw Steve was kneeling on the ground next to Natasha, whilst the others looked for more mines, or threats. ‘Unconscious, second degree burns. I’ll carry her in.’

‘Thank you.’ Maria muttered. She knew it wasn’t what she was supposed to say as a Commander, but she couldn’t think of what she was supposed to do in that moment. Natasha shouldn’t have gone on that mission, and she certainly shouldn't be watching Steve carry her limp body onto the Quinjet.

If anything happened to her, she would never forgive herself. It was always her fault, and now, Natasha mattered more than ever. Because (unbeknownst to him) Steve was not only carrying Natasha, but also her unborn baby. Who almost just got blown up. 

Injuries on missions was not unusual. Even Natasha had got hurt before and Maria had not had this reaction to it. She tried to tell herself it was because of the baby, but looking at Natasha, she felt panic rising inside her and she couldn’t deny how much she cared about her now. Time passed so slowly and each second dragged out as she worried about Natasha, but then before she knew it, Tony had safely blown up all the other landmines and the quinjet was heading back. 

It was then when she realised something.

‘Don’t give her drugs. If she’s unconscious she’s not in pain.’  Maria said through the comms, it was undeniable that her heart was beginning to race at the thought of ‘what if she’s too late’

‘Commander, there is no reason to not -’ Steve started.

‘That’s a command, Rogers.’ Maria snapped, and felt people turning to look at her. It wasn’t unheard of for her to snap at people when in command (on the contrary, she had a bit of a reputation) but it was an odd request.

However, no one dared disobey her, and they trusted that she would have a reason, so instead they applied salve to her burns as they waited out the short journey back. 

Natasha began to come round on the jet, and as soon as she came to her senses she shot up, pushing off whoever was touching her. She didn’t like people doing things to her, and now more than ever.

_ Was the baby okay? _

She felt the pain on her skin and the aches down her back, and soon remembered the blast that sent her backwards, and hitting the ground. But she managed to land  _ okay  _ so there were only the burns to deal with. She pushed the pain to the back of her mind and stood up, albeit a little unsteady.

‘What have you done to me?’  she demanded, breathing slightly heavily and holding onto the table to keep her stable. Steve and Clint’s heads flew up at the sound of her voice, their attention no longer on their intense conversation on what had happened.

‘You got hurt,’ Clint started carefully, not wanting to trigger anything in her.

‘It’s me, Clint.’ She snapped, seeing through him straight away. ‘I can feel I  _ got hurt, _ ’ she mocked him, ‘what happened then?’  She repeated her question, she  _ had _ to know; not knowing reignited a fear in her, and made her feel like she was losing control over herself and her situation.

‘Agent Romanoff.’  Maria’s voice came in through the comms, and a wave of relief that was unusually difficult to hide came over her. She was safe, Maria wouldn’t let anything happen to her, or more importantly– to her at least– her unborn child . ‘Steve picked you up and carried you to the quinjet whilst Tony sorted out the rest of the mines. You are currently over Philadelphia, and your ETA is 10 minutes.’

Natasha nodded, knowing she would see it. She held an expectant hand out to Clint, and he reluctantly handed over the salve, concern for his close friend clouding his eyes. Maria could only watch idly as she applied the slave without a single hair flinching. her mind wandered to Natasha’s past and the trauma she must have been through, and still lived through, to find the pain that could make the toughest soldier tear up as much of a nuisance as a mosquito bite. she couldn’t help the sadness she felt at that thought, even if it would have annoyed Natasha if she found out.

Everyone else left Natasha alone after that, unsure as to where her sudden anger had come from, and didn’t dare ask for fear of what would come after. But Maria never took her eyes off her. She answered questions and gave commands automatically, and unusually scheduled the debrief for the next day.

Was it too obvious something was going off? Probably - they’d already been subject to questions. But now was it clear that something else, more serious, perhaps, was happening?

Maria’s mind was filled with doubts and worries for Natasha.

As soon as they returned, Maria handed over command to her deputy, leaving to meet Natasha as she came in. As everyone descended off the jet and nodded to her in greeting (a few glancing at her slightly suspiciously), Natasha just glared and her and stalked off to her room, but signalled for Maria to follow her.

But in that one second she had glared at her, Maria’s heart had dropped. She didn’t know why it hurt her  _ so much _ but it did and as she followed Natasha her mind was racing. Was it too obvious? Was it her fault she got hurt? Did Natasha hate her? Would she ever forgive her?

When they reached Natasha’s room, Maria tried to speak but couldn’t get any words out. She felt like if she did she would burst into tears. Natasha  _ hated  _ her.

Natasha waited for her to walk in and slammed the door behind her, making Maria shake and jump.

But then, Maria felt warm (if not sticky) arms enveloping her and, after her initial shock, she realised it had been an act, and she instantly sunk into her arms, the tension deflating out of her.

‘I was so scared. I’ve never been that scared of getting hurt.’ Natasha chuckled softly, but sadly.

‘Are you okay? Will you let me look at you?’ Maria asked, concerned as she could smell the burnt clothes.

Natasha nodded and stepped away from her. ‘My back kills but I can tell I’ll be okay in a few days. I just need to shower and bandage these burns up so they don’t get infected.’  Natasha said, looking over her wounds, not noticing the look Maria was giving her until she glanced up. She frowned for a second before questioning. “What?”

‘How long have you had to look after yourself?’ Maria whispered, as if saying it quietly would somehow make it less awful.

Natasha just shrugged. ‘I’d rather know what was being done to my own body. And I have the adequate medical knowledge for this.’

_ Well so do I, but that’s not the point,  _ Maria wanted to say. ‘Oh. I’ll wait for you here whilst you shower.’ She opted for instead.

Natasha gave her a slightly confused look, but nodded and walked off wordlessly, limping slightly.

Maria just sat on the bed and waited for her. She wanted to help her, but she didn’t know how. What did she even need help with? Probably stuff she couldn’t help her with, she realised. Maybe Natasha just needed to fall in love with someone, and trust them so much, and feel like she could finally find a home, and a place to rest. Maria would give her as much as she could, but she couldn’t be that person.

So why did she feel like she wanted to be? Did she?  No, she just wanted to help her.

When Natasha came back she was wearing shorts and an old t shirt, and now her suit was gone, Maria could see the full extent of her burns. They weren’t  _ too  _ bad, but they did cover a lot of her body.

Natasha picked up some cream and bandages and sat on the bed next to Maria, putting them down, inviting Maria to do it as she had offered before. 

So Maria did, as carefully as she could. Yet when she got past her calves and up to her thighs, Natasha started to flinch away from her, which was only natural.

But then it wasn’t, was it? She had been doing it to herself before without even blinking. Natasha just seemed  _ uncomfortable  _ and suddenly Maria felt guilty. Had she crossed some boundary between them? But they had both agreed on doing this. 

They both ignored the slight building of tension until Maria finished. She did a neat and efficient job (and also caring), she would say. 

‘Thanks.’ Natasha said into the silence, turning away from Maria. 

Maria didn’t want to ask, but she felt she had to. ‘Did I hurt you?’ She tried. 

‘No, it’s just weird for someone to do that I guess.’ Natasha said, and it was true. No one ever showed that much affection towards her, and wanted to look after her for the sake of looking after her before. But that wasn’t why she felt like this.

Maria however, believed her. ‘It’s what you deserve.’ She gave her a small smile. 

Natasha believed that Maria believed in what she was saying, but she didn’t believe it herself. No, there was the blockade of what she had done, who she had killed, people she had tortured, to get through before she deserved any of what she currently had. 

Including a child. 

But (although she hated to admit it) she was exhausted. And she couldn’t face talking about that right now. One day, maybe, she could tell Maria. She almost hoped she could. She had spoken to Clint before, and she had a file which many people had read. 

But still, she hid most of the emotions. Guilt - it was obvious she felt that to anyone. Self-loathing even, most people would assume that about her. But what they couldn’t see was the shame, the memories, the feeling of being filthy. Sometimes she felt near insanity, and sometimes she felt like the only sane person in the world. 

‘I’ll see you in the morning, Maria.’ Natasha said softly and smiled at her. ‘Thanks for the help.’

Maria nodded, taking the subtle hint, and stood up, but she was surprised. She had expected to stay over, but maybe Natasha needed space to think and wind down. 

‘Anytime.’ Maria smiled back and stood up. She paused and looked at Natasha, not wanting to leave her alone, but knowing she had to.

Natasha opened the door for her and didn’t even hug her before Maria left, and Maria couldn’t help like feel she had done something wrong.

She doubted she would be getting much sleep that night. 

And as much as she thought, and all the scenarios she imagined in the next 8 hours, and all the memories, and all the fears that kept her up, she could never have prepared for what would face her when she finally left her room in the morning.

Clint was sat at the counter with his head in his hands and Tony and Pepper were sat opposite, in silence, solemnly drinking their coffees.

Maria didn’t say anything when she walked in - she didn’t need too. The question was obvious, and the answer appeared to be on a piece of paper which Clint held out for her.

She took it carefully, and was surprised it was addressed to her. She remained calm as she unfolded it.

It was a letter of resignation from Natasha.

‘She’s gone.’ Pepper confirmed, regretfully.

Her heart came into her throat, peppers words ringing in her mind like a church bell. She felt hollow and most of all:

she just wanted to cry.

  
  



	6. As if the Dream of You, it Sleeps too but Never Slips Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This carries straight on from where the last chapter ended.  
> Sorry it has taken me so long to update, I'm still in the middle of exams!  
> Also, I ran out of lyrics from Never Let Me Go that would fit with each chapter, so all the chapter titles now will just be random lyrics and poetry from Florence.  
> This is from the song 'Caught'.  
> Thank you for all the comments, they keep me going! Hopefully soon there will be more regular updates.  
> Enjoy!!

Natasha was gone.

And by the looks on Tony and Clint’s faces, she had left no clues, or explanation. She would be damn near impossible to find if she wanted to disappear.

Maria tried not to take it as a personal betrayal, but she had trusted Natasha, and she thought Natasha trusted her. But now she hated herself for getting ahead of herself (for trusting, for letting go, for dreaming), because of course Natasha would do this.

Maria probably meant nothing to her; she was just a friend who happened to have found out she was pregnant, and it was convenient to not tell anyone else. And realistically, Natasha had never needed her, she could take perfectly good care of herself.

And yet despite that, Maria didn’t  _ want  _ her too. In the last few weeks she had seen glimpses of weaknesses in Natasha, moments of doubt, and she wanted to reach out and help her. But now Natasha had made it clear she didn’t want that, and that Maria was a mistake.

Maria wasn’t stupid; she knew Natasha would survive on her own. She knew she would be able to get through each day, and suppress her emotions enough to be functional. To appear happy, and collected. But Maria also knew how much pain she would be in, if this was how she chose to go, and live her life. All these years Natasha had managed to trick Maria, and everyone else she lived and worked with to believing she was fighting her demons, and coming out on top. Now however, it was clear as day to Maria that that was far from the truth. Natasha needed someone to trust and to confide in, and someone to take care of her. Everyone did.

‘Okay.’ Maria nodded eventually, to Tony, Pepper and Clint, none of whom who had made any action in the time it took her for her to respond. ‘I’ll do the paperwork.’ She spoke quietly, and oddly calmly.

Maria noticed Pepper watching her very carefully, and tilt her head to the side slightly as she did. She looked at Maria apologetically, and almost pitifully. It was as if she could tell this meant more to Maria, and that scared her. Realising she was dangerously close to showing any more emotion, she turned around and walked out, clutching the letter tightly in her fist.

She stalked down the harsh white corridors, maintaining a level exterior, the sound of her boots hitting the floor with purpose providing a marching rhythm for her to focus on. When she finally reached her room, she slammed the door shut and proceded to collapse against it, sinking to the floor.

_ Don’t cry. _

She took deep breaths and blinked back the tears, not wanting to admit to herself how much she cared, even when it was so obvious. 

She wasn’t sure how long she sat like that for, curled up against her door, willing herself to get better, to stop this useless display of emotion and weakness, until there was a gentle knock. Maria didn’t jump, but swallowed and took a deep breath, trying her hardest not to choke on her words.

‘Yeah?’ She managed to call out.

‘It’s Pepper.’ The reply came softly, and the emotion filling Pepper’s voice made Maria just want to wail, and  _ admit _ , and breathe, and feel.

Maria didn’t move, too many thoughts filling her head with noise, and making it hard to do anything. If she let Pepper in, she could end up telling her everything, and most probably  _ breaking down _ and she didn’t need that.

But she wanted the comfort, she wanted the relief of crying.

‘I’m coming in.’ Pepper said after a minute, and Maria realised that she was supposed to have replied. She jumped up and opened the door for Pepper, trying to smile at her, but failing miserably.

The concern and pity written across Pepper’s features was almost overwhelming to Maria, but she managed to control herself, deciding to treat the impending conversation as a mission.

Objectives: don’t cry.

Not too hard, right?

Pepper took Maria’s hand gently and led her to the bed, encouraging her to sit down next to her. Maria did reluctantly; alarm bells screaming in her head, but also the  _ need  _ for this comfort close to shattering her emotionless resolve.

‘I don’t know if you and Natasha had anything going on,’ Pepper started softly, ‘but whether that had anything to do with this or not, we are all here for you Maria.’ The way she said it was almost motherly, and Maria struggled to sit there, so still and stoic.

‘Thank you, Pepper. I’m okay though, really.’ She tried to reassure her, but it was a pathetic attempt by anyone’s standards. ‘Natasha can take care of herself.’ She tried instead.

‘Oh Maria…’ Pepper sighed sadly and closed the gap between them, wrapping her arm around her and squeezing her gently. ‘You can tell me to stop but, did you like her?’

Maria just paused and stared at Pepper. 

_ Did she like her? _

The million dollar question. All her thoughts, her realisations over the last few weeks, she had just been avoiding the one question that mattered.

Why? She had tried to cut herself off from other people; it was easier not to make friends with the people you worked with when there was a good chance they could die everyday and it would be your fault. She had learned that the hard (traumatic, life-changing) way.

But when she thought of Natasha, it was hard to keep that mentality. There was that fear, of course, but she was prepared to risk her heart for that.

When she thought about Natasha, she thought of how strong she was, and how much she admired her for that, and how much her heart broke for her because of that. She was stunning and Maria was already addicted to spending time with her.

So now  that she thought it about it, yes, it was obvious she had fallen for her.

‘Yes.’ Maria eventually mumbled, and Pepper pulled her even closer and hugged her.

‘Did anything happen?’ Pepper murmured, sitting back slightly so she could look in Maria’s eyes, but still holding her.

‘No, I don’t think so.’ Maria admitted. ‘But I just want her to be okay now. Safe.’

‘I think she likes you too, Maria. I’m so sorry she’s left.’ Pepper added quickly.

Pepper and Maria had never been great friends before, but they did stick together as women in the men’s world that they lived in. So why was she showing such weakness to Pepper now? She shook her head quickly to push that away and just accepted the moment for what it was now. But she knew she would only ever tell the truth and completely trust Natasha.

Which of course made sense now.

How had she been such an oblivious idiot?

‘Me too. The team will be heartbroken.’ Maria agreed, trying to leave herself out of it and distance herself from the growing emotions. ‘But they will move on. She’s allowed to leave, and I need to do the paperwork quickly.’ She said, striving to return to her professional, ‘robot’ persona.

‘It’s okay, Maria.’ Pepper smiled pitifully at her, seeing right through her act. ‘You don’t have to worry about me. And don’t worry, I won’t ruin your reputation as Hardass Hill.’ She grinned more genuinely, trying to make light of the situation by making use of the boy’s nickname for her.

‘Thanks.’ Maria gave her the biggest smile she could manage (which was abysmally small), but Pepper accepted it, and squeezed her close one last time before leaving wordlessly, shutting the door gently behind her.

Maria immediately fell over on the bed, clutching onto the duvet and stuffing her face into it, curling her legs up around herself protectively.

She still would not cry.

She would allow herself a moment of weakness, that was tactical, then she could get up and move on. It didn’t matter what she had  _ realised _ , it didn’t matter about her feelings. She wasn’t paid to sit around and cry and mope, she had to get up and do her job. File the letter. Shut the drawer, shut off the emotions.

But as she did eventually get up, as she got dressed and ready, always on her mind was Natasha. Where  _ was  _ she? Was she safe? What was she doing now?

Wondering and worrying never got anyone anywhere, but sometimes basic human instincts were too hard to let go of. 

The steps were automatic as she made her way through the corridors, not thinking about what she was doing, her mind in a different place. But she was brought straight back down to reality as she had to walk through the lounge and the next thing she knew, Steve was standing up, threateningly close to her, the warning glint in his eyes not hiding the sadness that lurked deep within them.

‘What do you know, Maria?’ He almost growled at her, but Maria did not feel intimidated.

She took a deep breath, which more expressed annoyance than anything else. ‘Nothing. No more than you.’ She said coolly.

‘Yes, you do.’ He insisted. ‘You haven’t left Natasha’s side the past week, and now she’s gone.’

Maria sighed, looking round. As always, she was surrounded by men. Who felt they had the right to threaten her and blame everything on her, even though she was technically their commander. None of them would come to her defence, none of them would  _ understand.  _ Maybe the only reason Pepper could read her so well earlier simply because they had to be strong. They had to have each others backs. It wasn’t enough to be a woman in a man’s world, you had to be  _ stronger  _ than the men to survive with them. You had to earn your place, not just get given it. You had to prove your strength and intelligence, not just be trusted.

And she had done just that her whole life: growing up on her own with just her dad, joining the army, working her way up through the ranks at SHIELD.

‘Rogers, I have to file this and speak to Fury.’ She finally responded, putting on a more professional tone. ‘My personal life, quite frankly, is none of your business, and I assure you if I knew anything that would suggest Natasha was in danger, no matter how personal, I would tell you.’

For all Steve’s righteous morals, he could be a jerk sometimes. So what? He was strong, he was brave. Well so was she. He wanted to help everyone, he wanted to give back. He believed in everyone, he stood up for his beliefs. Well so did she.

So Maria was having none of it.

‘If you -’ Steve started, and Maria saw the distrust in his eyes.

‘I suggest you don’t finish that sentence.’ Maria harshly interrupted him. ‘If you don’t mind, I have a job to do. And whilst we are all sad, yes, some of us can put our emotions to one side, and do what needs to be done.’ With that she stepped around him and walked out, keeping up her momentum until she slammed the door shut to the car and she sank down into the seat.

She  _ was  _ lying to him, she  _ was  _ acting like an emotionless robot, but they didn’t get it.

Pepper had been able to see the signs in her.

But there was only one person who would truly get it.

Who would be able to help her, be able to heal her.

And now, it turned out, she was horribly in love with that person.

 


	7. Reaching Out My Arms, Oh You Devastate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has been SOOO long but thank you to everyone who continued to ask for an update!  
> Also (bit of a self-promo) I posted a Blackhill one shot and a nat x reader one shot for my friends birthday, please read them if you would like ;)  
> Enjoy!

Natasha was alone. That was a fact. She had been alone many times before, and now she was alone again.  
But this time, she was lonely.  
Maria had taught her how to feel.  
How to be in touch with her feelings and acknowledge them, how to look after herself and actually care for herself, and how to care for others more than any duty meant she had to, or even humanity.  
How to love.  
So that was why now, as she sat in the home full of boxes, and the takeaway meal for one on the floor in front of her, she didn’t want to unpack, or decorate, or light the fire. It would be functional, yes. But now she realised there was more to life than that.  
But, she also knew, she would have to unpack alone. Eat alone. Light the fire alone. Raise a child alone.  
Some things to her just were and always would be impossible. And not necessarily because of the Red Room (surprisingly). Yes, she knew any relationship she would ever be in would be dysfunctional (although she didn’t worry too much about that, figuring that she would never find anyone for that).   
Now, thanks to what Maria had taught her without even meaning to, Natasha had thought about the recurring thoughts and theme of relationships which plagued her mind. Digging deeper into the murky pits of her mind, she searched with the torch gifted to her, but it faded as she found herself isolated once again. She was sure she glimpsed however, somewhere in there, recognition of that feeling in her. Love.  
She was in love.  
And she had just betrayed the one woman who showed her the key to her own heart, opening it up as if it were her own. The woman she had fallen for. Who selflessly helped her.  
Why did she run away?  
The more Natasha thought about it, the more she found herself unsure of her decision. She told herself it was still the right one, but she couldn’t justify it.  
Was it the fear in her mind, that grew with each slip up she made? Was it the growing emotion in her, making her weak and temperamental? Was it to protect the baby inside her?  
Or was it about her?  
If it was, then she had truly fucked everything up. She had hurt Maria, and she was hurting herself. And for the first time ever, she admitted to the pain inside her. Didn’t battle it, or sit and wait it out. Didn’t want to live the rest of her life with it following her around. She valued herself now too much for that.  
So then, did she owe it to herself, to Maria, to her child, to act on this feeling? To right this wrong?  
In an ideal world, yes. But there was one more obstacle in this one. And it scared (ashamed) Natasha so much that any time she let herself dare to dream, it dragged her back from the green-blue translucent oceans, to the shore, coughing and spluttering, lungs burning and body aching.  
So she continued to sit cross legged, poking at the remains of her noodles periodically.  
Until her phone rang. (She wasn’t stupid, it was a burner phone, that only two people knew the number to. And she made sure they wouldn’t even be able to trace her on it.)  
‘Hello?’ She picked it up, barely even realising she had. When you are trying to isolate yourself, picking up the phone the first time it rings is really a step in the wrong direction.  
‘Nat.’ Clint’s gruff voice greeted her.   
Natasha cringed internely, knowing he had full rights to be mad at her. ‘Hi, Clint.’   
‘Where are you?’ Was the first thing he asked.   
‘Safe.’ Natasha said simply, in a word that meant more than any location ever could.   
‘I thought I knew you, Natasha,’ he started, and his voice seemed more disappointed than angry, ‘and now you run away because what, you fell out with Maria? Broke up with Maria? I know somethings been going on with you too.’  
‘Clint, you of all people know nothing could have happened between me and Maria.’ Natasha said, becoming angry herself, because by god did she want something between them.  
‘No, I know the excuse you give yourself to avoid any kind of relationship. And quite frankly, Nat, it’s bullshit. I’m telling you now that Maria wouldn’t care about that.’  
‘Yeah, well, even so, it’s too late now.’ Natasha’s sudden anger changed to a sudden sadness that threatened to consume her.   
‘It’s not. Come back, Nat. We’re all worried.’ His voice held a tone of sadness too.   
Natasha sighed. ‘I can’t. Something else has… come up. Fury knows where I am and if I’m in danger or anything I promise I’ll reach out. You just have to trust me, please, Clint.’  
‘You know I trust you. But that doesn’t mean you’re making the right decision.’  
‘How… how is Maria?’ Natasha asked quickly, before the conversation came to an end.  
‘I don’t know. She’s doing a good job at pretending to be okay if you ask me, but I can’t tell that woman though. She’s almost more unreadable than you.’ Clint chuckled just slightly.  
‘Noone is better than me.’ Natasha managed a small smile as she joked back.  
‘You’re right. That’s why we will always want you back.’  
‘I know. I’m sorry. It was easier this way though.’ Natasha was starting to get emotional, and it scared her. ‘Goodbye, Clint.’  
‘Goodbye, Nat.’ Could be heard as a mere whisper down the phone, before Natasha hung up on him.  
The reality of her decision was hitting her hard now, and without Maria, she was finding it hard to find the positives of her choice. It wasn’t too late to change her mind, either.  
In a flurry of emotion and movement, she stood up, the takeaway left forgotten on the floor. Grabbing her keys and a jacket, she ran out the house, slamming the door behind her. She jumped on the motorbike which she had definitely not stolen, and drove recklessly to the second nearest hospital (she didn’t want to make it too easy), signing is as Mary Farrell once again. She knew she was lucky; the Reproductive Health Act in New York made it safe and relatively easy for her to gain access to an abortion. She said a silent prayer in her mind to all the women and families in other states, and all around the world, as she sat safely in a clean waiting room with options at her fingertips. (Not that she couldn’t do it herself if she was really desperate.)  
Sometimes, it didn’t even feel worth protecting the world when inside it, there were so many issues, and so many unhappy people. So many individuals who could do with saving much more than the world needed saving.   
And here she was, simply another person in the midst of it all. Her own personal crisis, amidst a global one. Which was the most important?  
Until now, the answer had been easy. The sacrifice had been easy. Life had somehow been easier when you didn’t care for yourself. But this, this new liberation, and new view on herself, it wasn’t happiness, but it was some feeling that freed her. That made each decision harder, but more worthy. That made her life worth living.  
So whilst the decision had been hard, taking the steps were still easy for her. Walk to the consultants room. Talk to the doctor. Get given a date, and leaflets. Thank them and leave.   
But it was only that easy, because she knew this wasn’t the end.  
It was the beginning of Mary Farrell.

Maria felt some kind of deja vu as her phone went off in the middle of the night, and Fury was yelling down it all kinds of things about Natasha and Mary Farrell.  
‘So, she’s getting an abortion?’ Maria confirmed, her heart silently breaking.  
‘Yes. And that’s her choice. But she knows that we track Mary.’ Fury pointed out.  
And it was then when Maria finally got it. ‘She wants me - us, to know.’  
‘Go on, Maria. Go and find her.’  
‘What if she doesn’t want -’  
‘That’s an order Maria. For your friendship, and for all of our goddamn health. Go and talk to her.’  
Maria knew it wasn’t an exact order, but she also got his point. As much as she could think this was all about Natasha (and maybe even about herself), it was bigger than that.   
‘Okay. Thanks, Sir.’   
‘Not a problem, Hill.’ He replied, before hanging up once again.  
This abortion wasn’t about Natasha choosing to not have the child. It was about her reaching out for help in the only way she knew how. It was a challenge, a taunt almost.   
Come and save me.  
She was calling to Maria through Mary, and Maria almost felt stupid and predictable as she rushed as quick as she could to get ready and leave.  
But more than feeling like that, she knew that she had to save Mary.  
To save her love.


	8. It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

The couple of hours the journey took had never gone so slowly before for Maria. She knew she had to, but it felt so wrong to be going to see Natasha right now. How was she expected to act like it was all the same, like not everything had changed in the past 12 hours, ever since that damned mission?

What scared her most was that she knew Natasha would  _ see _ . As soon as she stepped through that door, even if she could hide what it was, Natasha would know something had happened. Changed.

But she had the car ride  all the way to the Adirondacks to clear her mind.

So why then, two hours and many miles later, was she still panicking? Why couldn’t she get herself together and clear her head?

She felt like if Natasha would look at her in just one specific way, she would collapse then and there and confess her undying love for her. Because that’s what it was, it turned out. Now she had realised it (with some help, admittedly), it had manifested itself and taken control of her.

The last thing she wanted to do was play mind games with Natasha. That would be dangerous for the both of them; they’d both be way too good at it. But unfortunately for Maria, she knew Natasha would be just that bit better.

All she could hope was that Natasha would give take pity on her and ignore whatever she saw in Maria.

It was 5am when Maria reached the house (she and) Natasha had bought. Suddenly she didn’t know what to do, knocking on anyone’s door in the early hours of the morning was just plain rude. But then again, nothing about Maria and Natasha were normal. They seemed to function together backwards; breaking up before they had ever even got together.

However, the dilemma was soon solved as Maria spotted the large wooden door slowly opening. Natasha was stood, leaning against the door, clearly inviting Maria in. Bracing herself for whatever was to come, Maria jumped down out of her pickup truck (hardly conspicuous but she wouldn’t change it for the world) and crossed the path to the door.

‘Here to interrogate me again?’ Natasha asked as a joke, but Maria just gaped at her. ‘Hey, hey, calm down. Come in.’ Natasha wanted to kick herself for making Maria panic like that. She had acted selfishly running away, and making Maria come chasing after her, the least she could do was make her feel calm and welcome now.  _ Goddam Natasha. _

Maria tentatively stepped into the house, noticing the absence of any change or decoration, and spotting the untouched boxes at the end of the hall.

‘Not staying long?’ She asked as she kicked her shoes off.

‘I don’t know.’ Now she was asked, Natasha really realised how much she didn’t know what she was doing. She needed Maria’s guidance. Her comfort. ‘I don’t know.’ She repeated quietly, and Maria knew what she really meant too.

‘You can get the abortion if you want and I’ll support you through it if you want me there. I’m not here to stop you doing that. But….’ Maria trailed off and they both knew why she was there. Because Natasha had called out for her and Maria would do anything for her already. Maybe she always would have.

Was this some kind of test Natasha was putting her through? Trying to find and push Maria’s tolerance and limits? 

Or was it simply that for the first time in her life, Natasha was truly lost and clueless. No, not clueless. But confused.

Logic: putting emotions and feeling in boxes, evaluating them and selecting them, ticking them off and putting them back. That was safe. That was how, in a way, they both functioned.

But around each other, the walls of the boxes dissipated, leaving uncertainty. But it felt good. And scary.

Natasha didn’t say anything, but in a bold move draped her arm around Maria’s shoulders, and they both began to walk through to the lounge together (not that there was a lounge yet). 

As Maria walked down the hall with Natasha’s arm around her, she didn’t know how she was staying sane, and stable. The  _ longing  _ in her now, for Natasha, for this to be  _ theirs  _ and not  _ hers _ hurt her more than she ever knew it could.

She had gone through a childhood of pain. A career of trauma.

All the love songs, movies, girls crying in bathrooms, it all seemed a bit over dramatic to her. How much could a heart really hurt? Why couldn’t they just realise it wasn’t working out and move on?

Now, she understood. Understood why she had hidden this part of her from herself for so long. It wasn’t the sharp pain of memories, but a dull aching and it made her just want to  _ cry. _

‘Wanna build a table?’ Natasha pointed to a particularly large looking flat pack box and Maria nodded, going along with whatever was happening.

So they started assembling it together, making the perfect team as always, and going along as they did.

They both pretended like everything was okay.

Like not everything had changed.

Until Natasha suddenly looked at Maria, and Maria saw herself in Natasha’s eyes. She saw the same pain behind them.

_ Longing? _

And then it was gone and Natasha made another joke and it had never even been there.

Except, it had.

And then the table was finished and they both knew it was stupid to carry on and make chairs.

‘Have you slept?’ Maria sighed, knowing the answer.

‘I’m okay.’ Natasha gave her a tight smile, having an internal battle herself, of whether to continue opening up. It scared her, but it freed her.

‘When’s the abortion?’ Maria tried instead.

‘I don’t want it.’ Was Natasha’s quick reply.

‘Okay, that’s okay. There’s still time to go either way.’ Maria gave her a genuine, encouraging smile.

Maria’s calmness about this almost took Natasha back. But she was right, she did still have a fair few weeks to find her way through the depths of her mind, and hopefully at the bottom find the right decision.

But at the same time, every time she tried to make a move, she found herself hesitating. And she never procrastinated.

Again, she felt she had already made the decision.

But she couldn’t admit that.

‘We should build some chairs.’ Natasha changed the subject, smiling a little awkwardly.

‘If we can find which box they’re in.’ Maria chuckled, agreeing with her.

And even though they had tried not to, they once again fell into comfortable yet idle conversation. But this time, it felt less fake. More real feelings, even if the topic was not emotional. Working together, carrying the boxes, finding the tools, building the chairs, was still as natural as ever for the two of them.

Over the course of the day they built random furniture; little pieces of each room. Maria popped out to buy some food in, and they ate together.

‘I’m tired.’ Natasha finally admitted, and it just came out of her mouth. Well, it wasn’t even like she admitted it. She just said it.

_ Trust? _

‘Well we’ve built wardrobes and desks but not a bed.’ Maria laughed at the irony. ‘A couple of beds then let’s call it a night?’

‘Oh, god, why?’ Natasha groaned, but with a slight chuckle. She heaved herself up off the floor where they had been eating, and together they lugged the pieces of bed upstairs and made it, them the mattress, then duvets covers and pillows and  _ oh my god they both were just so tired. _

‘Well that’s one done.’ Maria flopped onto it with a yawn. ‘I  _ can’t _ do another.’ She rolled over dramatically.

‘No, me either. It’s a double, we’ll be fine on this.’ Natasha said with a more serious expression.

‘If you’re sure?’ Maria rolled over again so she was lying on her back and could look up at Natasha. After the mission when Natasha had not let Maria stay in her bed, for which she still had no explanation, she hadn’t been expecting this. And they were super spies, they could push through and build another bed. No, this was a choice Natasha was making. And Maria wasn’t even sure if  _ she  _ was okay with it at this point.

‘Yeah, I’ll go and get changed.’ Natasha nodded, before quickly exiting the room to go and find her suitcase. Because no, she hadn't changed since she’d got there. She seemed to forget that anything else mattered when it came to Maria.

And as for why she was okay with it now? After last time, Natasha hoped Maria would get the message and keep her distance. And maybe too, Maria’s presence felt nice. Comforting. 

So was she being stupid and giving herself false hope with this one night?

Stopping herself from going down that train of thoughts, she returned to the room and found Maria in exactly the same position she had left her.

‘You didn’t bring clothes.’ Natasha realised out loud.

‘I came in a… quickly.’ Maria grimaced slightly, but she figured Natasha would have worked that out already. She did arrive at 5am, after all.

‘I can lend you something, might be a bit small?’ Natasha offered, brushing over the confession.

‘Thanks.’ Maria nodded before Natasha went to retrieve them quickly.

They then got changed and ready for bed, without further incident. 

‘Thanks for coming, and everything else.’ Natasha said almost meekly, and Maria was surprised to hear that coming from her. ‘I don’t think I could have done this without someone.’ Then, a small pause and Maria felt Natasha gently place her hand just next to hers so they were brushing against each other. ‘Without you.’ She whispered, and Maria instinctively grabbed Natasha’s hand. And Natasha squeezed back tightly, so Maria rolled to her side and rubbed Natasha’s arm gently with her free hand.

‘Then it’s a good thing I’m not gonna leave you.’ Maria tried to say it as lightly as she could, but even still with a slight chuckle, they both felt the weight of her words bearing down on them. But instead, Natasha let the weight blanket her and comfort her. It was slightly awkward, yes. They both drifted off to sleep, feeling like they wanted more, but thinking they had already given the other too much.

 


	9. How could anything bad ever happen to you? You make a fool of death with your beauty, and for a moment, I forget to worry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's for you butterduck ;)

Before either of them knew it, a whole comfortable week had passed. They had cooked and eaten together, built furniture, and the house was looking almost complete. 

They had quickly built the second bed, and Maria had been given free reign over ‘her bedroom’, and whilst she appreciated the sentiment from Natasha, she missed having her close. It wasn’t only the feeling that being that close to Natasha gave  _ her _ , but also the feeling like she was helping Natasha, and taking care of her. 

Yet, she knew it was for the best. She was already way too attached, and the distance was what they both needed. They spent every waking moment together, at least.

Maria had never gone back to the compound to fetch her clothes, scared to leave Natasha for even that long, and of punching whoever might question what she was doing. It was as if they had entered an alternate universe - one where SHIELD and their past lives didn’t exist, one where the responsibility of protecting the world didn’t weigh down on their shoulders every day. It was one where they had grown up in a small town, lived through high school dramas, got 9-5 jobs, and were buying a new house. It was too normal and too comfortable with Natasha there, and Maria was loving it.

She had grown up in a world of chaos - her dad’s drinking and constant abuse of her had kept her on edge all her life, and joining the army as soon as she could seemed like the perfect option to her. It gave her a purpose and a goal, a routine and even friends. The never ending action and drills never gave her a moment to think or relax, and by doing that, she avoided ever having to confront the problems that pushed her to this. And when that ended in a flurry of heat and flames and funerals, she threw herself into SHIELD without a moment’s break. If she had ever thought about calming down, the thought of it appalled her. What would she do with her free time? How did people live these lives where nothing ever changed, and everything was just simple?

Now she got it. It wasn’t about the view from the porch (although she had to admit, it was stunning, especially at sunset), it was about who was there to watch it with you. It was about sitting in silence, sipping mug from the tea that had somehow become your mug, and feeling the presence of someone next to you, sipping tea from the mug that was now theirs. The birds that skimmed the surface of the lake, and the dazzling reflection of the golden pink sun as it set, they were extras. They were what you looked at, but they were not what you felt. The ease and happiness came from knowing that someone who you cared about so much, and who you knew needed you too, was watching the same sunset.

But at the same time as she sitting there, Maria knew it was all just a fantasy. Yes, they were both sat there. They sat close on the bench as it swung gently, but not wrapped together. Her mug would soon just become one of the many in the cupboard, as she returned to her job and Natasha lived here alone.

They had yet to discuss the future actually. It was almost as if they were both scared to discuss it, and yet scared of the expanse of the unknown that they couldn’t hide from for much longer. Helping decorate the house had been an easy excuse for Maria to stay, but there were now only scatterings of boxes left to unpack. Maria knew Natasha was never one to procrastinate, or run away from hard situations. She confronted everything with an unstoppable plan and head on. But Maria hadn’t seen that Natasha recently, and although perhaps it should worry her, it didn’t. Because she seemed more relaxed, too. And she really hoped that it was also because she didn’t want Maria to leave.

  
  


That night, Maria found it hard to fall asleep. She knew that something was coming, and soon they’d have to talk about what was going to happen. But Maria knew she would never say what she wanted to. To tell her how much she loved her, and she just wanted her to feel safe and loved and be as happy as she could, and how she would do anything in her power to give that to her. How they both knew that although it had never been said, Natasha was going to have this child, and about how Maria wanted to be there and love the child too, and help Natasha, because god knows they’re both fucked up but they could work it out together. They wouldn’t fuck this up. Not together. But maybe alone.

And it was as Maria lay awake, running through every scenario and conversation she could imagine, that she heard the slight noise. Between the thick walls and doors only a quiet muffled sound filtered through, but after the life Maria had had, it was unmistakable. Jumping out of bed, she moved quickly and swiftly out of her room and let herself into Natasha’s. In the dim and suky 1am light, she could see Natasha clutching the bed sheets tightly, sweat pouring down her face, before she suddenly moved, rolling over in the bed and screaming at the same time. Maria knew it could be incredibly dangerous for the both of them to wake her, but she couldn’t bear the sight of Natasha like that, and the screams were already haunting her. And Maria had never been one to run away from danger, either.

‘Natasha?’ Maria called out as surely as she could, but it did nothing to Natasha. Sighing, she walked up the side of the bed and shook her instead, and Natasha woke up with a start right away. Before Maria even realised what she was doing, she was jumping away, out of Natasha’s range, which turned out to be the right move as Natasha flailed around for a few seconds, before coming round and staring at Maria with wide eyes, panting loudly.

‘I’m sorry.’ Maria felt compelled to say right away, as if she had intruded on something incredibly personal and intimate to Natasha.

‘No, thank you.’ Natasha said quickly, holding Maria’s gaze.

She looked the most vulnerable that Maria had ever seen her, and before she had time to think and stop herself, Maria was moving to sit next to her on the bed, and wrap her tightly and completely in a bone crushing hug. But it seemed to be the right move, as Natasha shivered and snuggled into Maria’s arms more, taking more controlled deep breaths now.

‘It was…’ Natasha started as soon as she recovered enough to speak more.

‘You don’t have to tell me anything.’ Maria interrupted her, and Natasha felt a relief of a tension she didn’t know she had had until then. Maria just  _ got _ her, and Natasha knew she had taken a risk to wake her up, and now she looked after her in a way Natasha had never known before, but felt so right with her there.

‘They took my baby, Maria. And they took you.’ Natasha couldn’t help but tell her, knowing that Maria would always know just the perfect thing to do. It was as if by telling it to Maria, it made it not hers to deal with, and she could let go of it just a small amount. And when the tears came, she didn’t stop herself crying, but instead let them trickle out, her body shuddering in Maria’s grounding and tight grip as she did, crying for the first time ever in front of someone else.

Maria heard something else in the confession though. She felt entirely selfish in that moment but she couldn’t help thinking - if Natasha was having nightmares about them taking her baby, whom she loved and who was entirely  _ hers _ , then why was it so bad that they took her too? Not Clint, her best friend, or anyone else. By saying that, had she really said something else?

‘Nat, they’re gone. You were there, we destroyed the Red Room and anything connected to it.’ Maria said, although she knew that Natasha knew that. But she felt she had to say it. ‘Look up at me.’ Maria changed tacs and spoke more gently, and Natasha obeyed, trusting in Maria as she looked up, still huddled impossibly small, still crying. ‘I’m not going anywhere you don’t want me too. And I think we both know you’re keeping the baby. So that’s nothing to cry about. You’re not going to lose either of us.’ This time she was the one to maintain eye contact with Natasha as she spoke, stressing the importance of each word.

‘Maria… I… I can’t be with you.’ Natasha whispered, and suddenly the tears fell even faster as she said it.

And suddenly Maria’s heart broke.

‘I never expected that. If you want me to go, that’s fine. But I’d like to stay, as a friend.’ Maria said, managing to completely maintain her composure, even though she was sure an organ inside her just died. 

‘You don’t understand… it’s not you. I just... can’t. I’m sorry.’ Natasha ignored Maria’s comment, completely fixated on this.

‘If you want me to understand, then tell me, hey?’ Maria suggested ever so gently. ‘But know I’ve never expected anything and I don’t expect this. It’s all your choice.’

And as Maria said once again, the perfect words, that made Natasha already feel so loved and accepted, that her heart broke too. Natasha knew that inside, she had no choice now.

‘I’m asexual.’ Natasha managed to say it quickly, but she had to look away from Maria. And even though she looked away from her, she could feel Maria go still, and the disappointment rolling off her. ‘I get it Maria. Everyone else needs sex and that’s fine. Go, I don’t mind. Just do me one favour and don’t tell anyone else. My dirty little secret.’ Natasha managed to scoff slightly, immediately going on the defensive, even as she continued to cry.

‘Shut up.’ Maria said so sternly, that Natasha did, and even looked up at her. She looked sad, but not in the way Natasha had expected. Natasha had never been so unable to read someone as she did in that moment, but as Maria looked back at her she definitely couldn’t detect any judgement. ‘Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry it was so hard for you. But look at me, Nat. Did you really think that was gonna scare me off? Why did you tell me?’

Natasha wasn’t expecting that question and it caught her off guard.  _ Because I was so desperate to have you that I couldn’t not tell you. Because I love you so much and I didn’t want to hurt you. _

‘Because I knew you wouldn’t judge me….’ Natasha finally realised, and at the knowing look Maria had given her it was the answer she had been expecting you. ‘You must have so many questions. I can explain everything, I promise. I just never thought that -’

‘Be my girlfriend?’ Maria asked, knowing Natasha was about to go into some kind of nervous excitement generated ramble.

‘Be your girlfriend?’ Natasha repeated back to her, as if she was unsure of what the words meant. Or if Maria really meant them. Maria just nodded back, suppressing a giggle at how adorable and confused and cute Natasha looked and sounded as she looked up at her, still swaddled with Maria’s arms.

And Natasha just nodded back, the tears not drying up, but turning to ones of relief, of an overflow of emotion she didn’t know what to do with. 

‘You’re gonna make me cry too now.’ Maria said with a slight chuckle, and also a slight sniffle. 

‘Hard-ass Hill.’ Natasha teased her, and when she caught her eye, they both burst out laughing, falling down to lie on the bed next to each other. The laughter died down, and they both carried on smiling at each other, until those faded too, and Maria reached a hand out to push the hair off Natasha’s face.

‘Go to sleep now. I’ll be here.’ She whispered, continuing to stoke Natasha’s face, and she could already feel herself getting sleepy.

‘Thank you.’ Natasha smiled, trying to compact as much feeling and meaning as she could into those two tiny words. ‘Thank you.’ She repeated as she closed her eyes.

‘Goodnight, Nat.’ Maria murmured as she placed a soft kiss on Natasha’s forehead, watching her breathing become slower, and her mind become peaceful.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did leave some clues to this, did anyone see?


	10. Never Let Me Go (never let me go)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been a while (but you should be getting used to this by now....)  
> thanks to my friends for help with both planning and beta-ing of this eventful chapter!  
> (and of course, I'm me, so prepare to return to angst town)

Maria awoke slowly, still lulled into a sleepy state, as she found herself entangled around Natasha. She was warm and comfortable, and the smell of the bedding and Natasha that surrounded her made her almost want to cry with relief at the revelations of last night. How could she have been so blind? First she had refused to admit her feelings to herself, then when she finally did (even that needed a helping hand with) she had not even considered that she could be so lucky as to have her feelings reciprocated. And by none other than the woman she now lay with, so beautiful and haunted, so complex yet so caring. 

‘Good morning, Masha.’ Maria startled slightly as she looked up and realised Natasha had been awake before her. ‘Sleep well?’ Natasha enquired, beginning to stroke her fingers through Maria’s hair.

Still half lost in her world of thoughts, and completely overrun by feelings, Maria could not respond, only hum contentedly as she leaned into Natasha more. 

Understanding, Natasha chuckled softly. ‘It’s 9am. I’ve never known you sleep past 7 before.’ When Maria only hummed in response again, Natasha carried on, waiting for her to come round. ‘I dreamt again. But this time I kept you safe. The both of you. I couldn’t bear to put you in danger, but I know you can handle yourself. And together, we can make sure she never comes in any danger either.’

‘She?’ Maria asked, trying to pull herself up slightly, stifling a yawn.

‘Just a hope.’ Natasha grinned.

‘Me too.’ Maria grinned back just as wide, finally finding herself level with Natasha, who was sat up. 

Suddenly, Natasha leaned forwards, looking into Maria’s eyes as she did, before pressing a slightly timid kiss to her lips. Taking the silent cues from Maria (the way her eyes lit up slightly, how she instinctively leaned towards Natasha) she took this as permission and kissed her again, this time Maria certainly kissed her back.

‘Are you sure you’re….’ Maria felt she had to check.

Natasha smiled softly and stayed close to Maria as she spoke. ‘I won’t do anything I’m not comfortable with. We can talk more about it later. Let’s just enjoy a lazy day for now.’

Maria nodded in agreement and leaned on Natasha’s shoulder, and they both stayed like that, silent, and thinking their own thoughts, yet together and somehow in sync, the domesticity coming so naturally as they had been living together all week. Even the whole last month, they had been acting like they were together. Maybe they had both liked to imagine they were, but now it was finally real, and whilst neither could barely believe it, there they were, with no fear that this good fortune would be fleeting. No, they both knew each other and they knew they should be together. This was always their destiny and nothing could make them happier to know they were finally fulfilling it.

It was only Maria’s stomach rumbling that broke their silence, and Maria clutched it, embarrassed.

‘Fast metabolism.’ She giggled.

‘Same here. Let’s go get some breakfast?’ Natasha suggested, and seeing Maria’s nod she slowly swung her legs over and climbed out of her- no, their - bed. She was wearing an oversized old t shirt, and Maria was in a vest and some pyjama shorts. Neither made an effort to put more clothes on as they followed each other out the room and down the stairs, Natasha naturally floating over to make drinks whilst Maria searched in the fridge for something to eat.

It was just as Natasha handed Maria her coffee, and picked up her own decaf tea, that the alarm went off.

‘What’s that?’ Maria was immediately on alert, as this was clearly not a fire or burglar alarm.

‘I set up some… defenses…. On the first day I arrived. Someone’s coming through the woods.’ Natasha explained, discarding her drink, and remaining calm, pulled open a drawer under the cooker, revealing an arsenal of weapons. Pulling out a gun she knew Maria favoured (she definitely had not got that one specifically for Maria), she held it out to her.

‘Better safe than sorry.’ Natasha offered, which Maria of course agreed and took the gun, watching as Natasha stuffed all manner of weapons in her pants, before being ready with a gun in her hand too.

‘I’ll go out and see. You need to stay safe.’ Maria said once they were both ready.

‘No, it’s fine.’ Natasha followed as Maria made her way to the porch.

‘Yeah, you’re fine physically to fight, but you know why it’s better for me to right now. You’re pregnant. Responsible for someone else now.’ Maria argued.

Natasha heard and understood Maria’s argument, but she also felt responsible for Maria. Everything screamed at her that it was wrong to let Maria go on her own. ‘Okay.’ She agreed however. ‘Just scream if you need me. We can be more prepared next time.’

‘Roger that. Thanks.’ Maria confirmed, before unlocking the door and running through the garden, holding her gun up as she approached the edge of the woods. Before she had even taken 10 steps in however, she heard the rustling sound of someone approaching. She ducked behind a tree, sneaking glances over her shoulder until she finally saw the figure appear, and she jumped out, pointing her gun at them. As quickly as she had pointed her gun however, she immediately dropped her arm down.

‘Steve?’ She called out.

‘Maria.’ He greeted her, holding his hands up as he got closer to her.

‘For gods sake.’ Maria muttered under her breath. ‘ Haven’t you heard of calling ahead ?’ She said a bit louder.

‘Neither of you have your phones.’ He replied, coming to a still in front of her.

‘Well you obviously found where we are, so you could have rung the house.’ She grumbled. ‘You may as well come then.’ She sighed, before turning on her heel and marching back to the house. ‘It’s Steve.’ She yelled to Natasha as soon as she returned to the garden, and she was sure she saw Natasha roll her eyes as she also lowered her gun. Maria assumed Natasha would invite Steve in, however she walked down the steps to meet them in the middle of the lakeside garden.

‘Hi.’ She offered to Steve, however there was no warmth in the greeting.

‘Are you okay? We have all been so worried about you.’ Steve seemed relieved to see her. 

‘And that gives you the right to turn up unannounced when she clearly didn’t want anyone to come here?’ Maria snapped, seeing how unhappy Natasha was too with his presence.

Steve turned to Natasha for help or defense almost, but when she folded her arms and looked at him expectantly, he realised he would get none.

‘Yes, actually, I’ve been deeply concerned. So have Clint, and all your friends. For both of you.’ Steve continued, adamant he was right.

‘Well I’m very sorry about that, I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you.’ Maria returned snarkily, unimpressed. ‘I’m not gonna bother with asking how you found us here, but now you’ve seen we are both alive, thanks for the visit, but you can go now. If you want, you can return by the road, you know, where most people come when they’re visiting someone, rather than acting like an ambush and sneaking through the woods.’ Maria couldn’t stop herself from continuing, overcome with both protectiveness and almost anger, remembering how he treated her before too.

She stopped however, when she felt Natasha’s hand land gently on her arm.

It was only then when Steve looked between them, noticed what they were wearing, and how close they seemed, that it clicked to him.

‘Are you two…?’ He said slowly, not wanting to say another that would cause Maria to shoot him.

‘What?’ Maria snapped, at the same time as Natasha nodded.

‘Yes.’ She replied, tightening her grip on Maria just slightly. ‘Go inside. I’ll be a minute.’ She said quietly to Maria, but Maria shook her head.

‘He acts like it’s totally normal to stalk us like this, before we left he was having a go at me and accusing me of all kinds of things. I don’t know if this is just his fucking privilige and self righteousness that lets him think he can act like this, or if I’m being too nice and he’s really just a massive dick.’ She said loudly, whilst Steve began to fidget awkwardly. 

‘Okay.’ Natasha sighed, taking a step forward so she was the one closer to Steve now, and Maria couldn’t help but feel like there had been a role reversal. She was meant to be the one protecting Natasha, but now it felt like Natasha was almost taking care of her, trying to keep her calm and deal with the situation.

‘You’re a good friend to me, Steve, but Maria’s right, this behaviour is crossing the line. No, I’m not going to tell you what’s going on. But I promise you we are both safe. So you can go back and tell everyone that, and also make sure the location of this house never reaches another soul.’ She said in the friendliest town she could manage, not wanting to sound too threatening, but it was hard, because her mind was no longer on Steve, but on Maria.

‘I really am sorry, I didn’t think about how this would seem. I was just worried, that’s all.’ Steve said and even Maria would have had to admit it seemed sincere.

‘Okay. Just don’t come back until you’re invited. If you are.’ Natasha said in a final tone, and Steve nodded.

‘Thank you. Sorry.’ He seemed almost ashamed, and turned to leave. Maria and Natasha stayed still, standing their ground until he was well out of sight and they could no longer hear him. 

‘Come on.’ Natasha said, turning around to walk back in with Maria, when she noticed Maria breathing quickly. She was clutching the gun tightly in her hand still, and Natasha saw it shaking slightly too. ‘Hey, he’s gone, Maria. Maria?’ Natasha tried to act quickly, catching Maria’s gaze. Maria nodded numbly in response, turning to try and walk back in, but she was clearly struggling. ‘Do you get panic attacks, Maria? Or flashbacks?’ Natasha asked her, trying to use her name to call her back to the moment. ‘Can I touch you?’ She tried, at which Maria nodded almost eagerly. Dropping her gun to the ground, Natasha grabbed both of Maria’s clammy hands, prying the gun out and dropping that to the floor too.

‘Panic attacks…’ Maria eventually responded.

‘Thank you for telling me.’ Natasha tried to speak clearly and neutrally, but she wanted Maria to  _ feel _ how much she cared for her. Holding her hands still, she guided Maria to the ground, both sitting in the slightly overgrown grass. ‘Breath with me.’ She whispered, taking deep and exaggerated  breaths. And soon Maria was able to copy, if not shakily, as the tears pooling in her eyes started to spill down her face.

‘I’m okay.’ She said whilst trembling. ‘I’m okay.’ She repeated.

‘I know you are Masha.’ Natasha smiled at her sadly, before pulling Maria into a hug as she managed to calm down enough. ‘I know.’

‘This break… I never realised how much that job got to me. The constant adrenalin, the fear, I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t do it.’ She tried to explain, speaking between big gasps of air and the occasional sniff.

‘You don’t have to. It’s all over now. I don’t know much about your past Maria, but I know there are things that will always haunt all of us. But we’ve got each other now. We can get through all this together.’ 

‘Together.’ Maria repeated, gripping the cloth of Natasha’s t shirt.

‘Together.’ Natasha agreed.


	11. Why Live Life From Dream to Dream? And Dread the Day when Dreaming Ends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed it up with a moulin rouge quote rather than florence (also catch more moulin rouge at the end)  
> finally! the big reveal.... 
> 
>  
> 
> (is a major anticlimax sorry y’all)

Natasha had helped Maria inside, collecting their now lukewarm drinks and sitting beside Maria on the sofa.

‘Do you want to talk more about this now?’ She asked Maria, although she had a feeling she wasn’t the kind of person to procrastinate the harder things in life. Which worked out, because neither was Natasha. 

‘Yeah. Please.’ Maria confirmed, moving closer to Natasha, who took the hint and wrapped her arms around Maria, holding her loosely but comfortingly.

‘I’ll start then. I was thinking, just for a few years at least, I’d stay away from work. From Shield. Maybe I’d say I’ll go in if there’s a world emergency, maybe I won’t. I’m not sure yet. It’s gonna be hard because this is all I’ve ever known but I think I’m learning now that I don’t need to do this to compensate for what I have done before. Maybe I feel like that, but spending this time with you Masha, I feel like a whole person. I think I could live with not working for now. Then maybe when they get a bit older I’ll go back, I don’t know. Anything could happen. But that’s where I’m at.’ As she spoke she gazed into the distance, but by saying it out loud it assured her she was making the right decisions. 

‘I don’t want to go back either….’ Maria murmured, feeling tears start to come on again at the mere thought of leaving this safe haven and returning to the compound.

Sensing this, Natasha kissed her head. ‘Then stay with me. I’d love that. I know it’s not normal when we only started dating less than 24 hours ago, but then what about us is normal, hey?’

Maria found herself nodding, but turned around so she could look into Natasha’s eyes, sitting up more and looking serious. ‘Are you sure?’ 

‘Absolutely positive. As long as you’re happy to change dirty nappies, of course.’ She added with a grin. 

‘Nope. Your child, your nappies.’ Maria countered, feeling a smile beginning to tug at the corners of her mouth. 

Natasha paused for a second, before looking down. ‘Our child.’ She whispered. Then, looking up at Maria, almost hopefully, ‘If you will?’

Maria paused too. It hadn’t yet hit her that staying meant she’d essentially be a mother. To a living, breathing baby. Her baby? ‘I…. I never imagined I’d be a mum.’ She admitted. ‘But yes. I’d love to be. With you.’

‘Thank you. I know that was a lot to ask but… thank you.’ 

‘You have nothing to thank me for. I’m so happy to be here and do this with you. I can’t quite believe it’s real, but if it is, then I’m so glad. And if it’s not, then when I wake up I will only be sad that it has not all worked out like this. It’s unconventional, but it’s perfect to me.’

‘Me too.’ Natasha sighed as she held Maria closer. ‘Now we’ve done the house, next thing is a name.’

‘For the house? Erm…. Lakeside?’ Maria offered. 

Natasha stared at her straight faced for a second before starting to laugh, her whole body shaking. ‘No, for the baby.’ She eventually said, still laughing, at which point Maria realised and joined in laughing. ‘That was amazing, I’m never letting that go.’ Natasha added, as Maria pouted. ‘I guess we could always name the baby Lakeside, it’s gender neutral. And I’m almost a celebrity and I’ve heard celebrities have to pick weird child names.’

‘Shut up.’ Maria moaned, although she herself was trying not to laugh, causing Natasha to laugh even harder. 

‘Okay, okay.’ Natasha conceded. ‘I have a few ideas but not many. Do you?’

‘No, I hadn’t thought. But it’s your choice.’ 

‘It’s our choice, Maria.’ Natasha said, and as soon as she saw Maria open her mouth to oppose she interrupted her. ‘You just agreed it’s our baby, so then it’s our choice.’

Maria was effectively silenced, taking in for a moment what was happening. ‘Well what ideas do you have so far?’ She asked finally. 

‘For a girl…. perhaps Kallista. It’s ancient greek for most beautiful. And Kallisto would work for a boy too. Although he’s a nymph in in Greek mythology and his story didn’t end well, so maybe not.’ Natasha considered. ‘I’m not sure about a Russian name. Maybe a Russian middle name, I could do that.’

‘I love Kallista.’ Maria smiled. ‘What about anyone you know? You could name them after someone.’ 

‘I’ve thought about that too. To be honest though, Clint is not a great name and other than him I don’t know any other men that would be worthy. Like, Sam’s pretty great and a good friend, but he doesn’t mean the world to me in the way you do, you know? And you’re not gonna like this but I do like the name Maria.’ She said cautiously, trying to gauge Maria’s reaction. 

‘Good try.’ She snorted.

‘It’s not a try. It’s a beautiful name and you’re the best person I know. If there was anyone I wanted to name my child after, it would be you. But now it’s our child, and if you don’t want that, that’s okay.’ 

Maria was dumbfounded and just stared at Natasha. ‘I can’t allow that, but thank you.’ She said softly. 

‘What about you? Is there anyone you know?’ Natasha asked her. ‘Our child.’ She added, knowing Maria would protest. 

‘My mothers name was Grace. But I never met her, and I don’t know what she was like. I like to imagine her as this goddess, who would float around and bring me tea and drift back to whatever she was doing. But maybe she was just like my dad. So I don’t think I could call a child Grace, because I’d never know if I’d done the right thing.’ Maria tried to explain.

‘I think I get that. I don’t know my family’s names but I know I miss them, even though I don’t remember them.’ Natasha replies sympathetically. ‘I hope they were good people.’ She added, almost as an afterthought. ‘That worries me too, you know. This child will always have to wonder too, what their father was like. Is like.’

‘Maybe you can explain? Do you know him well?’ Maria didn’t quite know what to ask or how far to push it. 

‘In a way yes, but mainly no.’ Natasha answered cryptically. ‘But you deserve to know, too.’ 

‘I’m curious, yes. But if you don’t want to tell me just yet, or even ever, I can remain curious. That’s okay with me, Nat.’ 

‘No, I want to tell you. I promise.’ 

‘Okay. Thank you.’ Maria accepted, before falling silent, waiting for Natasha to speak. 

‘There’s missions you don’t know about. I know you’re deputy director but only Fury and those who absolutely must knew the full details of these. And before I tell you, you have to know I’m telling you the truth when I say I volunteered to do them and I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t comfortable.’ Natasha took a deep breath before continuing. ‘Sometimes the easiest and most discrete way to get information from a man - or a woman, but men are much more easily fooled - is seduction. And I would go as far as it took.’

Although Maria has already been reaching that conclusion from the way Natasha spoke, the mixture of pity and sadness and anxiety on her face almost broke Natasha’s heart. If she had any doubt before, she knew now for certain she would never do it again. If only to save Maria from the pain. 

Because pain always comes with knowledge. Maybe to Maria it was unbearable not knowing, but now they both suffered together in the shared knowledge of what she would do for her job. And now Natasha had told someone she cared about, and who’s opinion of herself she cared about, she finally found it in herself to be disgusted. To realise why no one else would do them. Her training taught her that sex was just another weapon to be utilised, and that it was just as intimate and physical as a good fight with someone. 

And Natasha felt her asexuality allowed her to not feel or have any emotions attached to the sex, and see it simply as a necessary action for the greater good. 

But now she saw through Maria’s eyes how she had betrayed herself, as a new woman, as Natasha, not Natalia. 

‘I’m sorry.’ Natasha found herself saying as Maria’s face and expression spoke more than her words could for that moment. ‘The father, he’s a good guy. Just working for the wrong people.’ She added, trying to justify it. ‘Fury gave me a choice but we both knew the only option was for him to never know he’s the father. It would expose the whole operation, could lead to global scandals and even logistically and emotionally compromise me and him. There’s no option and I’m sorry to him about that.’ 

Maria took in carefully what Natasha explained, telling the story as if that was all it was; a story. The facts, the details. But now there was a baby and there was the two of them and it was always going to be more than that. 

‘I’m so sorry.’ Maria said, trying to make herself at least appear stronger for Natasha’s sake. ‘How does… how does it make you feel?’

Natasha just tilted her head slightly, clearly confused by the question. She certainly hadn’t been expecting it. 

‘You told me what happened, Nat. But you didn’t tell me how you feel about it.’ Maria added sadly. It was clear that despite the many years Natasha had lived outside the Red Room, an emotionless childhood would leave gaps so big she could probably never learn in her whole life what she was meant to do. But Maria was determined even more now to teach her and show her how much she mattered, and to put herself and her emotions first. To go with her feelings, not the logistics. 

‘I feel… like I’m about to bring someone into this world and I’ve already ruined their life. They’ll have no father, and there’s a poor man out there with no clue he has a child. I feel guilty.’ Natasha grew more certain as she spoke, although the concept was still new to her. She was looking inside herself and trying to figure out how she felt, and although it was confusing, it was already helping her clear her mind. To articulate her emotions was to remove just a little of the weight of them. To share her secrets with Maria was not daunting. No, it was liberating. 

‘I’d be worried if you weren’t. But hopefully two mums will be enough. And if you’re ever ready, a whole family of the most bravest and loving people we know.’ Maria said softly, proud of Natasha for her admission. 

‘Everyone’s gonna love them.’ Natasha agreed. ‘They’re gonna be spoilt.’ 

‘Indeed.’ Maria chuckled. 

‘But names are too hard.’ Natasha sighed. 

‘Then luckily we have a few months to decide. And read as many parenting books as we can.’ Maria smiled. 

‘Don’t challenge me to that or else I will read every volume of every book that ever mentions a child, no matter what language it’s in.’ Natasha joked, although Maria knew that she probably could. 

‘And that is why you’re gonna be a great mum.’ Maria smiled sincerely at her. 

‘Only with your help.’ Natasha countered, just as sincerely.

Maria just hummed noncommittally, moving to lean more fully on Natasha. Natasha enjoyed the feeling of holding Maria. Maria enjoyed the feeling of being held by Natasha. They both felt comforted and safe.

_ The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return. _


	12. say my name, as every colour illuminates (we are shining, and we will never be afraid again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to florence for chapter titles  
> pls comment cause i barely get any anymore and it’s my exam results day tomorrow so i need something to look forward to. i know that sounds needy and desperate but guess what, that’s exactly how i’d describe myself.   
> also, enjoy!

‘This one?’ Natasha called out, pulling out a blind with small dolls decorating it. 

Maria couldn’t help but laugh. ‘I hope you’re joking. Looks like something from a deserted child’s hospital.’

‘Sorry.’ Natasha muttered sarcastically, but with a grin on her face. ‘This?’ She tried instead, pulling out a colourful dotty one. 

‘Yes! That will go perfectly with the comforter, oh my gosh they must do a border in that design too for the edge of the room!’ Maria replied enthusiastically.

‘Not even born yet and we’re already infusing their room with gay propaganda.’ 

‘All children love rainbow colours. If nothing else it stimulates their senses. Plus, we are gonna raise the most liberal and woke baby out there.’ Maria added. 

‘Hm.’ Natasha nodded, agreeing. ‘What else do we need? This wig is starting to get itchy. I told you to buy the expensive ones.’ 

‘But that’s the  _ cutest _ one, Nat. Nothing is as cute as your amazing morning hair, but this comes pretty darn close.’ Maria smiled at the thought of waking up and seeing Natasha’s hair spread over the white pillow, like flames ablaze in a snow storm. Currently however, she had a short straight brown bob and perfectly messy bangs, slightly covering her eyes. Her disguise was completed with a denim skirt and fishnet tights, and a flowery shirt half tucked in. She looked the epitome of lesbian hipster (maybe she was vegan too, you couldn’t quite tell), and Maria was proud of herself for picking out the clothes that suited her new alter ego so well. Maria on the other hand had gone slightly more gothic, with a long bleach blonde wig, black mom jeans and Dr Martens, and a grey top and black jacket with small pins on it. They looked the perfect mismatched couple, and each on their own just unique enough they somehow became conspicuous. It had been about 3 weeks since Steve had paid them a visit, and they had spent the first two days setting up more tight security, then settling down and enjoying the free time together, with the odd bit of decorating too. They had been for a swim in the lake, Natasha had built a swing (and got told off by Maria for doing it herself, but Natasha insisted she could barely even feel she was pregnant yet.) They had had gone first appointment and scan, where they had come out somehow even more hopeful than when they went in, clutching the print out photo of the small blob as if it was their lifeline. 

‘I want your disguise next time.’ Natasha moaned, and Maria shrugged.

‘Maybe. But that’s just so  _ cute.’  _ Maria reiterated, going over to pinch Nat’s cheeks as if she were a child. 

Natasha this time didn’t resist the blush that came, nor the slightly shy smile. It wasn’t that she was shy, she was just happy. There was no need to be brave with Maria. No need to hide. If she wanted to look shy, she could. So she did, and batted her eyelashes behind the ends of the fringe. And, she could complain about her itchy wig if she wanted to. It was something Maria was trying to teach her, and although it scared her, she was coming round to it. She could live the rest of her life in wig 1000 times itchier than that; she had been built for endurance and to ignore discomfort. But that didn’t mean she had to. She was  _ allowed  _ and  _ encouraged _ to complain now. To put herself first. Not Mother Russia, not be Avengers (sometimes they were one and the same in her brain), not even Maria. Herself. And not just because she was pregnant. Because she was a human and she deserved this. 

‘Come on.’ Natasha grabbed Maria’s hand and started to pull her along. Partly because she wanted to get out the wig. But if she allowed herself to admit it (and this was even harder and even scarier than admitting she cared about herself), she wanted to leave so she could be alone again with Maria. So she could get as close to her as she wanted, so Maria could get as close to her as she wanted too. So she could be totally in love and not have to worry about anyone else. Just her, and Maria, and their baby. Just Maria’s hand resting gently on her stomach as they lay in bed together, whispering even though there was no one around for miles. (Whispering secrets, confessions from their past. Whispering jokes, muffling giggles. Whispering words of love and warmth and comfort. Whispering promises and passing on hope.) 

Maria of course obliged and followed her, picking up their trolley on the way by. They had paints, wallpapers, a blind, duvets, a lamp, rug, and decorations all for the nursery. Although it was the room they were most excited to do, they had left it til last, wanting to treasure the experience and spend time making the best decisions. They didn’t have to be perfect (was anything?) but good enough. Good enough to add to their hope and give them joy. (Striving for perfection only made anything you did seem mediocre.)

They paid (thanking Fury, not god, for their gold credit card) and loaded their haul into the car, already excitedly looking over everything they had just picked. Maria insisted on driving, and Natasha turned the radio off as they set off, preceding the intimacy of just the two of them, with not even music in between. 

‘You good?’ Maria checked in after a while, as Natasha had not spoken, and she had her head rested on the window, looking at Maria, not the window. 

‘Good? Maria, this has been the best time of my life. I just want to never take anything for granted. Let me stare at you and appreciate you.’ It was perhaps quite a blunt way to say it, but Maria understood all the more for it. She got the unspoken, I thought I didn’t deserve this, I thought I would never have this, and she also got the unspoken, I’m in love with you, you’re so beautiful.

‘I’m glad you’re good.’ Was all Maria replied, because she didn’t really need to reply. From just being there and accepting her Natasha heard all the unspoken I love you’s, and the we deserve each other’s.

They settled into a comfortable silence once again, until as they were driving out of town, and the buildings began to become more sparse, they passed what looked like a lakeside house, that was an independent coffee shop. 

‘That looks nice.’ Natasha said as a passing comment. 

‘Want to go?’ Maria asked quickly as they approached it. 

‘Hm? No, no.’ Natasha seemed surprised by the question. ‘I just thought it looked nice. If we ever needed somewhere to stop we could go there.’ She explained. 

‘Well why don’t we go now?’ Maria asked, indicicating and turning into the small gravel car park, pulling up. 

‘Because we don’t need a coffee. And if we did we’ve got plenty at home and we’re only 15 minutes away.’ Natasha explained like it was obvious. 

‘You can do stuff even if you don’t need to. Even if there’s no plan. We have so much time now, and you’re right, this place does look nice. So let’s go.’ Maria turned off the car, but didn’t get out yet, waiting for Natasha to agree. 

‘But we would have the same enjoyment having a coffee here as at home. It doesn’t make sense. I guess it is supporting a local business, but if we cared that much about that we could just donate to a fund or….’ Natasha reasoned, however Maria cut her off. 

‘Natasha, this is about enjoying life. Not everything needs to be logical, infact most things aren’t. It’s about freedom to do what you want with you want.’

‘Freedom.’ Natasha repeated, and Maria had noticed it was a topic she tended to focus on. Whether she meant to or not, she frequently mentioned the sense of freedom, and different views and quotes on it. 

‘Let’s go.’ Maria decided for her, jumping out the car, and waiting for Natasha to join her, which came quicker than she anticipated.

They walked in and the smell of roasting coffee immediately hit them, and Maria would be lying if she claimed she didn’t moan just slightly at it. She led Natasha over to a window table, before going to order them both a coffee.

When she returned, she placed the latte infront of Natasha. 

‘Freedom in a cup of coffee.’ Maria quipped, swirling her own cappuccino. 

‘Freedom in you. You freed me, Maria, not what I do. You enabled me to do it, and you do it with me. You are my freedom. Not America, not purpose. You.’ Natasha replied quietly, staring down at the mug as she spoke. 

‘Surely not. In the Avengers, you…’ Maria couldn’t believe it. It was more intimate than any words they had shared before, but also the least believable. 

‘In the Avengers I was trapped in wanting to wipe out what I had done. I was trapped by feeling like I was no more than the people I had killed. Save a life for every life you took, and still I felt no different. I was trapped in thanking Clint for saving my life, trapped in making sure everyone around me was okay. Make Steve happy by going shooting with him, make pizza for tea for everyone, make sure I sleep far away so I don’t bother anyone else with my nightmares.’ Natasha finally looked up and met Maria’s eyes. ‘You, Maria. You taught me how to not feel trapped. And now you help me to be free.’ There were tears glistening in Natasha’s eyes as she almost whispered her… confession? Explanation? Declaration? Revelation. 

‘If that’s so then I am so glad I could help you that much. Nothing makes me happier than to know you feel freer now. There are no expectations still, you don’t have to be this happy free spirited hippy who does everything just because they can. But I want you to feel free to be you. Because I love all of you. And if you’re willing, I want the real you.’

‘You have it. You have all of me, and it’s the real me.’

‘Thank you. For your trust.’

‘No, thank you.’ Trusting you was easy, Natasha wanted to add. Almost too easy. Almost like sometimes my body screams to run away from this trap. Then I remember it’s you and I’m okay. Never free from the voices or the guilt. But free from the control they had over me. But she didn’t say any of this, instead sipped on her coffee and looked out the big glass panels to the woods. 

Maria didn’t reply again, enjoying the peace they had reached. She also pensively drank her coffee, sat opposite of Natasha, finding herself looking more at her than the view without meaning to. Other customers came and went, but nothing mattered to them in their own world. The table between them was like an island they were on; so far away from everyone else, with only each other. And perfectly contented with that. Each other and a coffee they didn’t need. Each other and freedom. To leave the island if they wanted. But they didn’t. 

And when they finished and felt rude sitting there longer without ordering another coffee, they agreed to leave, thanking the baristas on the way out. They left the table behind but remained on their island, in their car where they began to chat and as they dragged the bags into the house. There their island expanded and grew, and they didn’t need it any more, because it really was just them. Standing in front of the fridge, staring at the photo of their child. Ready to welcome them to their lives and their island. Ready to find room for three. 


	13. I pray to God this breath will last, as it pushed past my lips, as I gasp

It was every day when Natasha woke up that she wanted to thank someone for what she had been given. It was every time she looked down at her now round tummy, and placed her hand over the small dome, over the bean that was her child. It was every time she glanced next to her to Maria, knowing she was just as happy to be there with her, as Natasha was with her.

It was these moments she wanted to thank god. To believe that this had all come together for a reason.

To say she had never believed in God, she had a pretty complicated relationship with him.

She had been brought up to pray and believe, and that there was no one above God, that she owed her life to him. If that was the case, she had thought, God would regret the day he ever met her. Her life was not something she wanted, and anyone who bore any kind of responsibility for that she would murder in the most inhumane way possible. (she had a long list in her head, but she didn’t know if she would ever make it through the next day for it to be worth any kind of planning). 

It was whilst the other girls prayed, however, weeping tears and clinging to God for hope for the next day that she wished she could too. She wished there was someone there who would always love her, who had a plan for her, who would give her what she deserved. Maybe that would be a moment of happiness. 

Her whole life she had searched for God. In Bibles and essays, in churches and in the sky. In herself, and in everything that happened, she looked for a sign. It wasn’t an obsession, it didn’t affect her life that much.

She just didn’t know who else would love her.

She didn’t believe in him, and he was the best chance she had.

When Clint spared her life, as she sat on the Quinjet to America, she wondered, is this God? But she could not find it in herself to think it really was. She did not feel anything.

In America she kept looking, too. She discussed with real people, she wanted the hope even though she was ‘happy’ now. But a purpose was not happiness.

Now she sat without a purpose, with nightmares, with trauma, but with true happiness. She had found God. Not the one everyone else worshipped, or prayed too, or asked for help (or yelled on the streets how much He hates fags), but her own god. It wasn’t Maria, but the feelings she made her feel. She didn’t need that God when she had something so much better. 

And yes, she wished she could thank someone. But she realised, as she wished, that she did not wish for God any more. Who needed God when they had this?

 

‘Nat?’ Maria called, pulling Natasha from her thoughts. 

‘Yeah?’ Natasha startled slightly, realising she had been staring at Maria as she thought. 

‘A little help?’ Maria chuckled warmly, standing on a chair trying to fix a mobile to the ceiling above the cot.

‘Sorry!’ Natasha quickly moved, handing her the screwdriver. 

‘What were you thinking about?’ Maria asked quietly as she put it up.

Natasha took a moment before answering. ‘How I couldn’t ask for anything more than this.’

‘Neither, baby.’ Maria smiled at her answer as she stepped down off the ladder, Natasha holding out her hand to steady her. (They both knew she didn’t need it, they both liked that she wanted it.)

Natasha pushed the cot into place beneath it, looking around at the space they had created. It had a rainbow theme, but remained very calm and light. The decoration was fun yet sophisticated for a nursery, and Natasha was amazed of what they had been able to do. There was no way she could have made this on her own. A functional and efficient room, yes. A room that was just waiting to be filled with laughter, and that inspired her and made her already feel so happy, no.

When she glanced to Maria, Maria was already looking at her, watching her carefully as she looked around the room.

‘You’ve got something on your mind.’ Maria said knowingly, taking Natasha’s hand gently.

Natasha nodded, and in her new open and honest ways, took a deep breath, ready and happy to share with Maria what she was thinking. (Emotions are allowed now. Encouraged, even. This is what she had to keep reminding herself). 

‘All my life I’ve been looking for something. Sometimes it was God, sometimes it was just happiness. Most of the time it was someone else. I tried to make it myself, tried to force some feelings into me. But this, this is so natural. I could never have made any of this on my own, and I guess I’ve just realised that now I’ve been so distracted in being happy, I’ve stopped searching. I’ve finally found it, Maria. I know you’re helping me to be free, but honestly, I’ve never felt as free and happy as I do now.’ Natasha tried to explain, gripping onto Maria’s hand as she did. ‘Maybe it’s the hormones.’ She added with a slight chuckle, as Maria only continued to look at her and not respond.

Then, suddenly, Maria jumped on her, hugging her and squeezing tightly. 

‘Never stop saying these things. You make me eternally happy.’ Maria whispered as she clung onto Natasha. 

‘How are you feeling now you’ve been off work for almost a month?’ Natasha checked. They talked a lot, but she had never asked her this directly.

‘I don’t miss it. I don’t regret it, but I’m happy here. So grateful I get to be this lucky.’ Maria tried to sum up her own feelings too.

‘You deserve it. You’ve lived through some shit, god knows.’ Natasha offered sympathetically.

‘Not as much as -’ Maria started to reply, but was cut off.

‘Don’t you dare say not as much as me. What I have been through does not invalidate any of your feelings, or make you any less worthy of being cared for. It helps us to understand each other, and help each other even more.’ Natasha spoke firmly, but Maria only felt the warmth in what she was saying.

‘Okay.’ Maria breathed out, still so close to Natasha she could feel her breathing on her neck.

‘Come on.’ Natasha moved away, holding onto Maria’s hand still, and led her to the lounge, which looked out with massive glass doors to the garden, with the lake just in sight at the far end, and expanses of woods beginning on either side. ‘Let’s just enjoy this moment.’ She said as they sat down together, Natasha sitting with Maria between her legs.

Maria just hummed in happiness, looking out the window, as Natasha played with her hair, and massaged her back. 

Natasha leaned forwards slightly, placing kisses to where she could reach on Maria’s face, as Maria blushed and closed her eyes, leaning back into Natasha.

‘I love you.’ Maria whispered.

Natasha stilled for a moment, then shuffled slightly, not replying, and when Maria opened her eyes to check if she was okay, she saw a slightly confused look on Natasha’s face. Seeing Maria however, she relaxed again, and smiled at her.

‘I love you too.’ Natasha replied so genuinely, that Maria could not fathom what had just happened. Natasha shuffled again, before swinging her legs out from round Maria.

‘Need the loo.’ She explained, before quickly heading off. 

Maria waited, the behaviour being slightly odd, but not too worrying, so she stayed calm as she looked out the window. It was the picture perfect scene, almost too perfect to be true. A painter might perhaps get bored painting it, as there was no imperfection. But Maria loved it. Firstly for Natasha, as she deserved nothing but perfection. And secondly, for herself. Because she was finally realising that Natasha was right, and this was what she deserved too. 

Maria glanced to the clock, feeling as if Natasha had been a while. Unsure, however, she carried on waiting, until it had been another fifteen minutes, and she was growing concerned.

‘Nat?’ She called out, and when no reply came after a few seconds, she jumped up, suddenly in a rush to reach the bathroom and find her. ‘Nat?’ She tried again, knocking on the door. Again, she was met with silence, so she frantically tried to open the door, but found it locked. ‘Natasha, darling, are you in there?’ Maria softened her approach by almost speaking into the door, leaning against it. ‘Are you in danger?’ When there was no reply to this, Maria started to panic, however she pushed it down, deciding to revert to techniques she had learned in her training to deal with stressful situations. Put your life first, your team's life next. Don’t let the stress take you, only let it motivate you. You can cry when you get home. ‘Opal fruits?’ In a sudden brainwave, she remembered their old call signal from missions.

‘Purple.’ Finally came the reply, but Natasha’s voice had never sounded so void. 

‘Can you unlock the door for me? Can you do that, Natasha?’ Maria asked quickly; now she had Natasha there, she wanted to keep her. Maybe she was having a flashback, and she just needed to be called back to reality. Maybe she really was in danger, and Maria knew she would need to kick the door down soon if no one would open it.

However, after a small pause, there was the distinct sound of a lock being undone, followed by silence again. Maria adopted a half fighting stance, (not wanting to scare Natasha if it really was just her, but also adrenaline beginning to run through her as she readied for anything) as she turned the handle and pushed the door open slowly.

She didn’t know what she expected, and whether she should feel relieved or perhaps more scared at what she found. The bathroom was just as it always was, there was no evidence of a fight or struggle. Natasha was sat on the floor, staring straight ahead, her expression vacant, her body unreadable.

‘Nat.’ Maria said gently as she knelt down in front of Natasha, trying to make some kind of eye contact with her. ‘What’s going on?’ She asked, finally catching her gaze, and hoping Natasha wouldn’t be able to see how scared she was. But who was she kidding, of course she could.

Natasha did not reply now, barely even blinking. It was eerie to watch, and as the silence stretched on, Maria’s heart ached as she tried to find a way to reach her.

‘Natasha, it’s Maria. You’re safe and there is no danger here.’ Maria tried to reassure her, speaking clearly and slowly. As Natasha didn’t respond in any way again, she felt more as if she was reassuring herself. ‘Please let me know you’re there. What can I do?’

Natasha just stared at her blankly, but just as Maria was about to despair, she opened her mouth and spoke. ‘Miscarriage. Probably cervical insufficiency.’ She spoke in the same tone as before, and somehow kept herself entirely unreadable.

‘Oh my gosh, oh darling….’ Maria fell from her crouch to her knees, unable to stop the tears that came, feeling utterly awful for sobbing in front of Natasha, who stared right past her. She couldn’t stop herself, and it felt like an eternity as she cried and sniffed and somehow managed to stop herself wailing. She was painfully aware of Natasha a mere foot from her, but she couldn’t help her heartbreak, and the grief, for both their baby and Natasha. She took a few deep breaths, making an attempt to pull herself together.

You can cry.’ Maria looked up at Natasha, speaking through her tears, and sniffing as she did. ‘It’ll hurt more if you do this to yourself.’ Maria’s heart broke for Natasha, and the sobs wracked through her even harder. She couldn’t imagine the pain was in, and seeing her react like that was almost harder than seeing her broken down.

Maria reached out tentatively for Natasha’s hand, which appeared to be the wrong thing to do, as before she knew it, Natasha was standing up and running out of the bathroom, and Maria was too in shock to keep up with her, barely reaching the hall as she heard the door slam and by the time she reached the front door and opened it, Natasha was nowhere in sight. That 15 second lead would be all Natasha needed to disappear if she wanted to.

And with the realisation she could now do nothing, she fell onto the porch, sobbing and shaking as her nails scratched on the white paint, full of grief and fear.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo I miss 'kk', your comments always intrigued me, come back please anonymous darling <3  
> (also sorry, but I am the Angst Queen)


	14. your songs remind me of swimming, which i forgot when i started to sink

Only when Maria’s tears ran dry, but she still heaved with each breath, did she pick herself up off the porch and head back into the house. It was already too painful to walk through the house she had built with Natasha, feeling as if she had lost her in only one minute. If Natasha wanted to be found, Maria knew she’d be able to find her. She might have made it easy and it would only take a few days, or she could send her on a chase all around the world (nay, universe) for years. And if she didn’t want to be found, well there was no point in trying. It wasn’t that Maria didn’t want to try, didn’t want to throw her heart and soul into finding Natasha. It would just be an impossible feat. And Maria’s gut told her that would be what she was facing.

So, she pulled herself onto the sofa where she had been sat with Natasha not an hour ago, lying and staring at the view which now taunted her for ever believing it was hers to have forever. Hers to share with Natasha, and with their child. To show off to guests and never grow tired off.

She got up in a sudden rage, drew the curtains shut angrily, and lied back down again. The hours passed but she didn’t know what to do. So she just waited until she fell asleep, that being the only way she wouldn’t feel the pain any longer.

 

And when she woke up she had this moment. A split second where everything was okay. But before she could enjoy it, it was gone, she remembered, and her heart and stomach sank, and she was rushing to the kitchen sink, throwing up and heaving. She wiped her mouth with a tea towel, grabbed a glass of water, and headed back to the sofa. She stared at the curtains, a deep burgundy with small cream flowers adorning them. Natasha had chosen the colour, and she had found the modern and minimalistic design, that only complimented the natural beauty which they framed. She found herself getting up, screaming and kicking and thrashing at the curtains, until she fell on the floor there, lying alone until she forced herself into a sleep again. She lined for that split second of bliss again. She craved to not feel like this anymore.

 

When she woke again, her back ached from sleeping on the wooden floor, and she missed the moment of forgetting, skipping straight to the memories and the grief. She glared at the glass of water she had got herself earlier, wishing she had put it closer, because there was no way she was going over to the other side of the room to get it now. She only rolled over, moving to another position, then curled up as finally the tears returned. She lied and sobbed for what seemed like an eternity, barely noticing when she fell asleep again.

 

This time she felt hungry. Her head was aching but she didn’t want a drink. She focused on the hunger and her parched throat, thought about food and water. This was a pain she could deal with. Until this led her to the perfect solution. She stood up, going dizzy and taking a long moment before the room stopped spinning to stand still. She took tentative steps to the kitchen, opening the fridge, only to find it empty of beer.

‘Shit!’ Maria slammed the door shut, the disappointment taking over her and she leaned over the sink to throw up, but only dry heaved, no food in her stomach. She sobbed again, not bothering to wipe away the tears anymore. It was then she spotted her phone on the surface, and knowing if she thought about it too much she wouldn’t do it, she picked it up, ignored any notifications, and scrolled through her recent contacts, looking for someone, anyone. 

Pepper Potts.

Was she not the person who had talked to her so sincerely, and seen so deep into her it almost scared her? Was she not the woman who seemed to know the answer to everything, and could seemingly fix any problem? Had she not cared for her, almost treated her like a daughter?

Overcome by emotion, Maria clicked the name, desperate for anything to take her out of this state.

‘Hill?’ Pepper picked up almost immediately, and it was only then Maria really thought about the situation. She and Natasha had essentially gone awol for a month, and if Steve had reported back that he had found them and they’d practically banished him, that didn’t help their cause at all.

‘Maria? Are you there?’ Pepper’s voice was slightly softer this time, and Maria’s tears started falling fast again.

‘Pepper.’ Was all Maria could say, and she knew Pepper could hear her crying, and the broken tone of her voice. She didn’t care at this point. Why would she? She had nothing left to care about.

‘Can you tell me where you are Maria? I’ll get there as soon as I can, just me or anyone else you want as well, or instead? Do you need help?’ 

‘Just you.’ Maria replied quickly, her panic coming through in her reply.

‘Just me, copy that.’ Pepper said softly. ‘Have you got an address?’

‘Yeah.’ Maria took a deep breath, knowing she wouldn’t have to hold it together for much longer. ‘Yeah, um, it’s a house at the end of Carlton Lane in the Adirondacks.’

‘Thank you. I’ll be there in a couple of hours. Is that too long?’ Pepper spoke so calmly still, but Maria could tell she was already on the move and making arrangements.

‘No, no. Thank you.’ Maria murmured, just wanting to get off the phone. Why had she rung up? She wasn’t that close with Pepper, not really. And she should be able to handle herself. She was a grown up and she was the Deputy Director of Shield. Why couldn’t she get herself off the fucking floor?

‘Not a problem at all, Maria. I’ll see you soon. Stay safe.’ Pepper’s voice was slightly less soft but still caring this time and it brought Maria back to reality.

‘Thanks. See you.’ Maria replied, before hanging up abruptly. She threw the phone down as hard as she could into the sink, somehow trying to take back the phone call she had just made again. She screamed, but it came out more like a howl, before punching her phone in the sink over, and over, and over again. It was an awkward angle to punch at, but god if she didn’t have the ferocity, and she didn’t stop when her knuckles started bleeding, or the glass from her now shattered phone screen embedded itself into her. If anything, the pain helped. The pain was good, she decided. So she carried on, screaming as she did, until she sank down, exhausted, curling up on the kitchen floor. She stared at her hands, tears dripping onto the blood which trickled down from her knuckles. Her eyes glazed over and she just sat and stared, not really looking anymore, trying not to think. Trying not to feel.

She wasn’t aware of how long she sat like this, until at some point an alarm went off, not dissimilar to the one earlier when Steve had come through the woods. Maria just hoped it was Pepper and ignored it, not too bothered even if it wasn’t her at this point. The only person she wanted was Natasha. It wasn’t Natasha. She just knew that.

With the alarm still going off (and gradually getting louder, they were a bit over dramatic when they installed these Maria thinks as it worsens her headache), there was a knock at the door. Maria knew she hadn’t locked it after coming back in, so she just waited where she was.

It wasn’t long before she heard the door opening, and she had to admit she felt a certain tension release from her chest when she heard Pepper cautiously call her name.

She didn’t make any move however, unsure of what would happen, or what she would say, or what Pepper would do, or how the hell she was ever meant to move on from this.

Her heart rate increased as she heard Pepper opening doors and looking in rooms, still calling her name, getting closer to the kitchen. She looked down and squeezed her eyes shut, somehow hoping that would make the whole situation go away, when Pepper finally found her.

‘Maria? Mar- oh my gosh.’Maria heard the moment that Pepper found her, and kept her eyes shut, not being able to imagine the sight she was right then. Next there was the sound of her walking over, and a bag being placed down.

‘Maria?’ Pepper’s voice was close now, and Maria heard she distinct sound of her crouching down next to her. Maria couldn’t help the pathetic whimper that came out of her mouth, as tears found their way out of her tightly shut eyes. ‘Oh, Maria, darling.’ Pepper didn’t falter now as she wrapped her arms around Maria, wrapping her securely in a hug, and Maria whimpered more, opening her eyes only to find herself crying heavier.

‘She…. she left.’ Maria’s voice shook and her throat was raw from thirst and screaming as she spoke, but somehow the admission helped, and the tears began to slow.

‘I’m so sorry about that Maria. But I’m gonna focus on you now. Because it looks like you had a fight with your phone and the sink and somehow they won.’ Pepper spoke like a mother would to a child, and Maria closed her eyes as she spoke, letting herself believe she was a child, and she had a mother, who would keep her safe, and come to fix all her problems. Someone to depend on. Someone who you could always rely on.

_ She had thought she could trust in Natasha.  _

Pepper started to move away, but this only caused Maria to whimper more, and she clung onto her.

‘I’m not going anywhere. Just standing up to reach my bag.’ Pepper whispered as she rubbed Maria’s back soothingly. 

Maria let go, and Pepper was only a few seconds as she grabbed her bag and sat back down. She pulled out a small first aid kit, and Maria wasn’t surprised at all. This woman was ready for anything. 

Wordlessly, Pepper took Maria’s right hand, using tweezers to pick out the glass quickly, cleaning off the blood and securing a bandage round. She then bagel to repeat the process on her left hand too.

‘How long have you been on your own?’ Pepper asked as she worked. 

‘Don’t know.’ Maria answered honestly and quietly. 

‘That’s okay. I’m so glad you called me, Maria. Thank you for trusting me. You’ve done the right thing.’ Pepper seemed to be able to read her insecurities as she reassured her of her unspoken doubts, and Maria just sat in silence, eyes trained on a spot of blood on the floor. 

When Pepper finished, she stood up, opening cupboards til she found a glass and filled it with water, then opening their fridge.

When she crouched next to Maria again, she had a glass of water and some yoghurt. 

‘We can think about a shower later, but for now is it okay if I go and look for a fresh top for you?’ Pepper asked. 

Maria looked down at herself, not thinking it was necessary, until she saw the blood and sick stains on her crumpled top. She nodded numbly. 

‘When I come back I want all this water drunk and at least half the yoghurt gone, okay?’ Pepper managed to catch Maria’s gaze and made sure to hold it there.

‘Okay.’ Maria repeated, it being the easiest thing to do, without even having to think about what word to say.

Pepper squeezed her shoulder encouragingly before standing up and leaving, and as soon as she left the room Maria took heaving breaths. It was both a great relief and a feeling of fear that overtook her, but she tried to focus on what Pepper had said, and took small sips at the water, and little spoonfuls of the yoghurt. 

It was only when she heard a door opening upstairs that a realisation hit her, and she shot upstairs, stumbling on her way as her vision went dizzy again. 

But she was too late, and Pepper was already pushing the door open. 

‘Don’t!’ She tried to yell, but it got stuck in her raw throat and came out as a strangled whisper, and Pepper walked into the nursery just as Maria reached her.

Pepper took in the beautiful sight before her, until she heard Maria right behind her. When she turned around, she looked to Maria’s stomach, but in the way Maria shook her head, and the expression of pure pain and grief, Pepper finally understood everything. 

She caught Maria as she fell, blacking out in the rainbow coloured room. 

 


	15. and all this devotion was rushing out of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maria must navigate the minefield of her mind and the paths that lay ahead of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! sorry it’s been so long. i had planned to abandon this but lying in bed i was hit by a sudden wave of inspiration.
> 
> this drabbly mess is what came out of it.   
> very sorry, for this, written ina rush and not proof read. but if you get the feeling just gotta go for it.

When Maria awoke, the first thing she noticed was the soft surface she was on, a luxury compared to the floors she had not left before. Upon opening her eyes she discovered herself to be in one of their ‘guest rooms’, on top of the bed. The curtains were drawn, but afternoon light shone through, illuminating the room with a warm glow.

She wished it was black.

Pitch black, so she couldn’t see anything. (She didn’t want to feel.)

Just when she felt the tears coming on again though, she managed to stop herself. She couldn’t do this  _ every day. _

So she pulled herself up, looking up at the ceiling as the tears retreated, before padding across the room, and heading onto the landing and down the stairs. She hated being in the house, but she didn’t want to leave. Didn’t want to lose what little of Natasha she had left. But it made her skin crawl and her brain ache, made her feel sick with pain and worry and grief.

It was only when Maria was about to enter the kitchen when she heard the soft voices. It was unmistakably Tony speaking, and Pepper’s voice come through as a softer whisper.

‘We have to tell everyone, darling. For Natasha’s sake, for the public’s sake, for  _ Maria’s  _ sake. We have to find her.’ Tony was saying. 

‘I know. It’s just…. She needs time.’ Pepper replied, in that tone that was just Pepper. It was comfort, it was a concerned mother, it was business. It was dealing with life and it was dealing with tragedy. It was a constant hum in the background, never wavering, only grounding. 

Maria wished she had a mum. 

(It was love.)

And Maria wanted to scream ‘im fine, just leave me, leave me here while i cling to her, while i claw at the curtains and inhale natasha from every corner of this house, our house, and you go, go and live your lives and let me be free and let me -‘

‘Did you hear that?’ Pepper’s voice brought Maria’s thoughts, and she realised she was gasping and wailing out loud as she spoke in her head. ‘I’ll go check on her.’ And so Maria hears Pepper rise, and walk towards her. 

She could pretend to be asleep. A nightmare was somehow more than she deserved. 

Blank sleep was what she got. 

Hell in the waking world was her punishment for…. for what? Had she not been punished enough already? Was she living though the punishments of someone else’s life, someone who sinned but never feared? Was she born just for this? Given life, only to find relief in sleep. Given love, only  for it to betray her. Given a mother to birth her, then die. 

So Maria was wide eyed and panting when Pepper pushes the door open. 

‘Breath’ Pepper instructed her. ‘In… out… in…’

Maria simply followed. 

‘Thank you.’ Maria offered Pepper. Two words in exchange for a calming of the mind and body. Born to be inadequate, never quite enough. Deputy director. Thank you. 

‘Come, eat.’ Pepper said, so Maria did. She nodded to Tony on the way past, thanked Pepper for the plate of light food she gave her. Ate it, drank the water. Let Pepper redress her hands. Thank you. 

Breath in this air here where she was. 

You’re not mourning her, Maria reminds herself. 

But she will never be here again. 

Thank Pepper for the bath she runs her, walk up the stairs, lay in the bath. 

Don’t fall asleep in the bath. 

Don’t slip under the water and never emerge. 

Don’t leave them to mourn you too. 

Oh, but wouldn’t it be easier?

Get out the bath, dry and put your clothes on. 

Don’t look in the mirror. 

Open the cupboard, and all the medicines are gone. 

Is there nothing Pepper misses? 

Suddenly she Pepper to be human, make a mistake. Stop the world going around herself, make herself feel something. 

Don’t look at the toilet. Where…. where she flushed it away. 

And Marua dives to the toilet, clinging, crying. Here is where Natasha mourned her child. Here is where Maria mourns Natasha. 

Outside is where the world carries on. 

But Maria doesn’t want it to. She wants the happiest person in the world, the most fulfilled, to feel her pain. 

Wants them to become addicted, run around this house, crawling into corners to drain them of her pain. Let them cry. They’d be over it soon. 

Step out the bathroom, sit on the sofa opposite Tony and Pepper. 

What do you want to do? Where might Natasha be?

She shrugs. Indifferent. Will that take away the pain? If the pain goes, will that take away Natasha?

‘I’ll find her.’ She hears herself saying. ‘I’ll find her.’

Who? Natasha? The baby? Her mother’s grave? The person living their life, who sins so much, who Maria is hurting for? The happiest girl in the world?

Herself?

No, no, none of these. 

Suddenly she knows exactly where Natasha is. She has already found her. 

All she has to do is go and get her. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment if you’ve bothered to come and read this half a year later! so sorry, and i wonder if anyone can guess what will happen? there is a massive clue that has been here since the very first chapter


	16. Lay Me Down, Let the Only Sound be the Overflow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. I’ve finally finished this, and also the marvel phase of my life. It represents an interesting time in my life and I have changed myself for the better and my priorities too. I have more to say about this chapter but i will do at the end. Heed the warning well.  
> TW : SUICIDE

Natasha had been born to a family. A mother, a father. An older sister. She was the only one of the four to have red hair. 

‘Our little flame.’ They called her. She kept them all warm when they couldn’t afford heating. Her giggles and her smiles warmed their hearts. The cold didn’t matter. She was their fire. 

And it was their fire that destroyed them. They came for her, they killed them all. 

She had no longer been born to a family. She had never had a mother or a father or an older sister. She had never giggled or made anyone warm. She was reborn in a blitz of bullets. 

She grew up in the Red Room. She was programmed, she was a child. 

Next she was the enemy. America came for her, for this thing the Red Room had made. They found a mother’s daughter. An older sister's younger sister. A father's joy. A family’s flame. 

They took her back to the land of freedom. She was kept under lock and key, treated with suspicion. Unprogrammed. (or just reprogrammed?). Forced to work for the Avengers.

An illusion of free will. 

Until Maria came along. She treated her with respect, but Natasha saw it wasn’t through fear. She treated her just as she would treat any other employee. 

It would be cliche to say that Maria saved her, and changed her life. It would be a lie to say it was all down to her, or to Clint, or to any number of people. The greatest change came from within, but these people and their outlooks on life allowed Natasha to rebuild herself using them as models. Maria was perfect for that. 

It was then that Natasha felt herself falling for her. She was trying to  _ be  _ Maria, but really she wanted her. 

And after years, she finally had her. 

And a baby, which seemed to change everything, yet she was still the same person. But no one could see that. Not even Maria. 

And their views on her were suffocating. She had never been free, her only chance was taken from her when she was 4. Her path had been set. And it was never happy. Everyone has mental health. 

And so did Natasha Romanoff. 

People knew she wasn’t an assassin machine, it was obvious to anyone that her life would lead to trauma. But no one thought any more than that. No one thought about the depression, the suffocating loneliness, the methods and patterns that controlled her. Some part of her true self lived in her, but it presided in a corner at the back of her brain, and it was locked away. Natasha couldn’t be happy without it. But it was too late. 

Too late to ever recover. 

Too late to ever be truly happy. 

(She was happy with Maria, there was no doubt about that. But she was still depressed. People forget these can go hand in hand.)

 

So Natasha had tried to escape. Escape via a baby. Escape via Maria. 

Yet still her thoughts tormented her. 

There was no greater escape than to lay down in the river. Look up at a great cathedral of water, a cathedral where you cannot breath. No need to speak. No need to pray. 

She would not be the first. 

She would not be the last. 

She could fight any instinct she had. Yet the stones had a certain romantic element about them. She was human still, and she didn’t want to fight to the end. To be dragged down was enough.

She filled her pockets. 

She had travelled to a river in rural England. Somewhere north. 

Somewhere, where everyone seemed happy. These people living in their houses surrounded by fields of green grass and sheep. They went to school, or to work, and they came back. Then the next day they did it again. 

She felt a need to ruin their image of beauty. Taint their crystal rivers with her dark, Russian blood. Let them feel pain. Let anything take her pain away. 

So just down from an old weavers cottage, she waded into the river. The water pushed her hand forward and found herself resting it on her belly. The baby still alive. Growing. Happy?

Her head was submerged. She closed her eyes. The baby was still her, nothing but her. It was not it’s own life, and if it was born, it would only live under her reputation. She was saving her child this way. 

Each stepped dragged, but it was an easy task for her. The water bore no weight on her, and the emotions were only in her head. They did not matter. They never did. (So why was she doing this now?)

It was only when she reopened her eyes, ready to look up at the light pouring in through the stained glass roof of her river cathedral, that she noticed the change. The stones, they had started to float. They became lighter than the water, and released themselves from her pockets. The stones were releasing themselves, but they were trapping her. 

No! Don’t let me wake up. Don’t let me come up! 

But she was, pushing herself up and gasping in the cool air. 

She saw the stones, still floating, inexplicably, and she, still alive, inexplicably. 

So against the current of the water, she rose up and onto the bank. 

She could tell Maria was coming. Maria would never give in. She would have killed Maria, too. 

‘Next.’ She said out loud. ‘Next.’ She repeated. It was what came next that mattered. Maria came next. 

She felt a warmer wet on her face, and realised she was crying. There were so many nexts. There always would be. Her previous life, her next had been death. Now she was reborn. A daughter of the water as much as of her parents. 

Water, the strongest thing. It carved paths through earth, created life. Ended life. Saved life. 

It contained her, it contained the air she breathed. It came to contain her whole life. It surrounded her. It soothed her. 

She dove back in, and nothing would bring her up this time.

Maria arrived at the river bank just 5 minutes too late. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for making it this far if you did! As much as I am sorry to leave this fic behind, I need to for myself, and this seemed a fitting way personally. This is more about helping me than what I believe Natasha would do but as with art the artist draws feelings. So that is what I wrote. The clues from the beginning that i mentioned last chapter were in the chapter names, specifically from Never let me go and what the water gave me by florence and the machine. This was never the plan I had for this fic, and as I did try to change it, hence the floating stones (you can make your own conspiracies about how that happened ;)) but this was the only resolution. Natasha was always feeling desperate I believe. Is this not the most desperate measure to take? Maria’s fate now you can also make up for yourself. I see years of recovery and a lifetime of healing, but I hope she finds happiness with someone else. She is out of my hands now and I leave that thought of her to flourish on its own.   
> I should mention I was highly influenced by the book The Hours. I would recommend to anyone who is not easily triggered at all by such themes as in this chapter.   
> I am sorry for what happened to Natasha. But I felt i had no choice. Maybe it is me killing that part of myself to save myself. Whatever it is, thank you for reading. Your comments have been vital. I wish you happiness and wellness in whatever you do next.   
> Remember, the world needs more love.


End file.
